backyard crowing


personal legend

it's just too much sometimes, this book, the alchemist. it's telling me i need to follow my "personal legend," that i'm scared to pursue it, that i don't think i deserve it, and that i'm not listening to my heart. and that others don't want me to pursue it because they're scared i would fail and feel awful. and because they don't want me to try because they weren't brave enough to try.

but look at my aunt jackie. she's on her third book now, and she is a writer, full time. she probably has pension from being an accountant, but still...

the book also says that fearing my dream is worse than trying and failing at it. so what am i doing in college?

maybe we think we invented our personal legend, but in truth God planted that dream in us, we just didn't realize it. that's a revolutionary, relieving thought for me! i have almost always been confused at what to do with my life, but i've known since i was a child that i wanted to write. but i saw that as a want, not a dream or a must-have, at least not until college, and then again back in third grade.

maybe it's okay if i never become anything but a bartender and a writer on the i've said before, that doesn't seem so terrible. i'm sure there's a financial glass ceiling on that job, but that's fine, as long as I can support myself and a potential family. and if it calls for an extra job now and then to pay the rent, so be it. those are new experiences just around the corner, new story ideas. but i couldn't do that don't see 70-year-old bartenders anywhere, because they'd fall on their faces and die. but who knows, maybe i'll be dead by then!

God knows the most interesting lives are usually short.

...and I've always loved the idea of working in a bookstore, among all the mostly well-read people and visiting authors. The coffee, the music, the bookstore atmosphere. It's a great place to people watch or strike up a conversation. and if i could own my own bookstore, that would be a sort of heaven...except that i don't want to be tied down, and any owning of a business i choose to do would require a few years in one place.

Or what about a record store! What's wrong with that?! I definitely wouldn't be settling if I worked at a record store.

it seems to me that writers have the best sort of work and research. writing a novel on blah? visit the blah factory. a screenplay about yadda yadda? speak to an expert on it. a poem on thingamajigs? well, they're out there, and you get to experience them, because hey, you're working. but it's a pleasant kind of work...and solitary, which i've always enjoyed.

i wonder what kinds of benefits bartenders receive, if any...

and i would worry for my potential future daughter(s), because i want them to be self-sufficient, and having a degree greatly helps that issue. i don't want them to depend on a man; men are too unreliable. that's not to say that women shouldn't trust them, only that a backup is necessary for ease of exit. you never know what can happen when you give a man the financial power, so you just don't dare do so. people change with power and money, and often for the worse.

- saturday, july 19, 2008


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