backyard crowing



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slutting it up

I was watching Groundhog Day with Teenie today. The Bill Murray character lamented, “I once spent a day with the love of my life. We ate and had sex all afternoon. Why couldn’t I have been stuck on that day?” So that was the best day of his life.

…which led me to wonder what the best day of my life has been thus far. Then I thought of my greatest love thus far, and what our best day was together. It was that night when we couldn’t get anywhere but skin against skin, just holding each other like maybe it was the last day we’d live and the last piece of affection we’d ever give or receive. If that was the best day of my life, then that is depressing. Then I am depressed.

In a way I’d like to come up with another best day of my life, but then nothing could top the gravity of this beautiful sadness. It was the last time we would ever hold each other. I just thought he’d stay like he said he would.

I want to meditate myself back there. Marcus. This is crazy.

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Yesterday in psychology we were told to write 10 statements about ourselves, and each statement was to begin with “I am…” So I wrote a few things, the first of which were something like, “worried I won’t graduate,” “scared,” “wishing that my parents didn’t care about me graduating so much,” “sad,” etc. Then we were told to write down what our Halloween costume was to be, if we had any planned out. So of course I wrote “Hot GOTH!”

Then I started to wonder…is Halloween giving me permission to be what I can’t be in real life? A hot person? A dark person? A person who if I embodied her daily would make people worry that I was going to kill myself? A rebel? Someone who doesn’t give a shit about what her parents think? Damaged and telling the world?

Perhaps my being a goth has less to do with the black clothes in my closet than I think.

I could have been an angel for $15 at Wal-Mart. She was my choice #2, with Elvira coming in at third.

On another note, Halloween gives women the chance to dress as slutty as they want with no one thinking they’re slutty. That’s the beauty of it, according to Abbie. That is pretty beautiful… it’s nice to slut it up, sometimes. ;)

- friday, oct. 31, 2008
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