backyard crowing


the couple's descent

I think the most horrible sound in the world must have been the sound of bodies falling from the world trade center on September 11th. Iíve heard they made loud crashes as they hitÖI heard about two people holding hands and jumping off. Whoever they were, their story lingers in my mind.

Maybe they were friends, co-workers, lovers, strangers, an office worker and a custodian. But they did it together. They embarked on the final portion of their journey as a team. Itís so far from needing someone to go with you to the movies or the bathroom or a restaurantÖthey were so brave. I know the situation was jump or be burned, but stillÖ

I wonder what their conversation was like, what they said, how they hugged, if they kissed.

I want to know everything about them and their experience that day, and their history if they were acquainted, but then I donít, because I can make the story myself.

Where is the literature that came out of this tragedy? When it happened, I said to my dad that we would at least have some interesting novels as a result. Iím probably not reading the right books, surely there is some fiction out on 9/11.

The day reminds me of a part of the movie Little Miss Sunshine, when the suicidal uncle talks to his silent nephew. He says the years of your life that are difficult are the only ones in which you learn anything. When your life is easy, you forget those parts, youíre dumb, you donít learn anything new. So while September 11th was a tragedy, we were growing.

And going to church. And helping our neighbor. And praying.

I hope some of it lasted in some people.

I donít understand sometimes why I still think about and consider suicide. This stuff should be so far from my mind. Thereís more to life than passing classes and getting a degree. If the degree kills me, why get it? This is where my mom and I go our separate ways. She doesnít get it. She tells me WHAT I SHOULD WANT. Iím serious. She has said, ďthis is what you SHOULD want.Ē She is so full of crap.

The definition of wanting something says nothing about others, because itís not about others. Itís about you and your wishes, dreams, goals, and a good kind of egotistical selfishness that comes with being human. She doesnít know it but she is part of the reason I want to kill myself.

Iím just so tired, I donít want to do this anymore, and sheíll never accept me if I donít get a damn degree. After all the money sheís put in, blah, blah, blah. Itís not going anywhere anyway, because Iím not going to become a journalist. Iím going to graduate, pay $20 to get bartending training, and hit the pavement for somewhere up north that needs a barmaid. Ideally this would be NYC, but I could wait a couple of years to get there if it meant paying off my college loans would be less stressful.

I canít change majors at this point. All I can do is graduate, but Iím sick as fuck of this place. Sure, Iíll miss it, I just want to miss it now. I want to just do my sappy leaving-Austin love song and go.

ĒGet me out of hereÖĒ Ė imogen heap

Iím awfully lonelyÖI just want a boyfriend already. Wah, wah, waaah. Itís been months since my last makeout sessionÖfive months. Longer since my last date, Iím sure. Or maybe not, if you count Victor. I donít wonder what heís up to now.

Iím disappointed that my beautiful full bed has never held more than me. I bought it hoping for a cuddlefest. Iím just so sick of being single. I know that nothing could last unless the guy wanted to go to NYC as well, but I still want him in my bed. Yikes. I almost wanted to hook up with patch yesterday. If we ever hang out again, I have to watch my back like woahÖI donít want mistakes to be made, drunken ones or not. Heh, here we go again. I have him, Iím not attracted to him. I donít, and heís somewhat hot.

I wish I didnít think of marc so often when Iím in between the sheets, I need a new king of guys to fantasize about. I truly hope that one night wasnít the best in my life. Itís odd how you can feel so safe and be so vulnerable, when youíre really in dangerous territory.

I hope I never let go of my standard against men who view pornography. I hope that just because Iím lonely doesnít mean Iíll succumb to that kind of scum.

Teenie is fighting with rick on the phone again. It bothers me when they do thatÖI can tell when itís them arguing even when my door is closed, her door is closed, and sheís talking. It used to be scary, then it became normal, and now itís scary again. Why does it always happen?

And why is he always here? Why doesnít she go visit him sometimes? Ridiculous. He doesnít clean up after himself, he uses the hot water that I pay for, and he eats my food sometimes, although heís gotten better at that last thing. Once it was cheese, then an egg he never paid me back for, then drinking the rest of my juice when I thought heíd just have a glass. HmmmÖ

My stomachís doing weird things. I wish he wouldnít be here so often. I mean really, heís got a home, too. His room is huge, and though he shares it with a roommate, itís still comfortable enough to chat softly in. heís so freaking loud when heís just talking. And heíll sleep on the couch, and Iíll happen upon him randomly in the mornings when I wake up. Itís annoyingÖ

Of course part of this is the fact that I donít have a boyfriend and she does, but that part is starting to become less and less significant as time goes on.

I donít know if I talk to him much anymore, I think I talk less to him. I donít mean to, it just sort ofÖhappens. Heís not a bad guy, heís just irritating. I just heard him say, ďoh, gross, mold!Ē He needs to just go away. Like, now. His house is way messier, so just suck it, pal.

I feel like lately Iíve holed up in my room more because of him. And I canít wear skimpy stuff and go braless around him or jump/dance around stupidly, because he might walk in. And if he does, partyís over. Gah!

I think when he gave me that clay whistle shaped like a bird it was some sort of peace offering contract I didnít know I was signing. Like, ďHere, have this piece of crap that I donít want that you maybe kind of want since you own parakeets, and Iíll hang out at your place 24/7.Ē

Let me tell you, it is AWKWARD AS HELL to have a roommateís boyfriend hanging around when said roommate is nowhere to be found. Itís like, ďHi, guy who doesnít live here. So tell me, WHAT are you doing here?!Ē YIKES.

I DO NOT LIKE AN ETERNAL GUEST, no matter how cool he might be. I keep thinking things like, ďWell on the bright side, when I get a boyfriend, he can be over all the time and itís pretty much guaranteed not to be an issue.Ē But no boyfriend appears. Damnit.

I guess I am just pissed off at guys today, because idiot matt #2 never called to say he couldnít make it on Friday, nor did he apologize for missing my call to say he was at work, or asleep, or his phone was off. Total blowoff. Abbie says my call didnít warrant a response, but I expected one. She says when she canít make it and I invite her to something, sheíll call me anyway and let me know she canít comeóbecause she cares. But she says she doesnít do that with anyone else. But if youíre courting someone, or even just beginning to, wouldnít it at least make sense to ACT LIKE YOU CARE? Itís only logical.

Itís okay that he apparently couldnít make it, Iím just annoyed that he didnít call back to tell me so and why. Even a vague ďI have plansĒ would have sufficed at this point. Yes, I would have feared that he had ďplansĒ with some other girl, but I wouldnít have automatically assumed, not at this stage in this not-actually-in-a-relationship-yet phase.

I feel bad if I donít RSVP for something, itís common courtesy unless your phone is broken, decharged, off, whatever.

Perhaps itís because I am usually not one to do the asking out, even if it is just a friendly outing with another girl. Therefore Iím a bit more sensitive if Iím turned down, and I donít want to just be ignored if the answer is Ďno.í

Still, he should have called! Idget! I am torn as to whether to get to class early tomorrow or not. Here are the possibilities:

1. I show up early and he sits next to me

2. I show up early and he doesn't sit next to me

3. I show up late and sit next to him

4. He doesn't show up

I am tempted to go late and not sit next to him, but then again, I am still interestedójust annoyed. I want him to come to me. Arrgh, abbie is pissing me off. First itís ďtoo bad you canít go with Matt on Halloween,Ē then itís ďyou should ask him out,Ē and then itís, ďheís not a bad guy for not calling you back.Ē Iím pretty sure sheís heading me toward relationship doom on purpose, whether she realizes it or not. Oh, but she realizes. Sheís a smart girl whoís really in tune with her subconscious.

- monday, Nov. 3, 2008


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