backyard crowing


songs in our pores

I wonder what life would be like if…

We all had songs coming out our pores, and anywhere we walked, we couldn’t stop our song from being played. Every day we would have an opportunity to change the song, and every day we could choose to stay the same sad saps we were yesterday. But after days of the same tune, I think we would tire of identifying ourselves as that song. I think we would see ourselves for the fucked up people we are, and decide to be different.

Tonight my song would be “lightning crashes” by live. I haven’t listened to the lyrics, only “the angel opens her eyes.” That’s all I need to know, I think. The guitar and the voice are enough to explain who I am tonight.

Tired, lonely…I don’t need much. I don’t need what I can’t offer. To just lay in someone’s arms, that’s all I wish for anymore. Why can’t men have hearts?

A stupid song can change your life.

Abbie graduates on December 6. What am I going to do? She doesn’t like talking or thinking about it, and here comes my dad and idiot grandparents tonight talking to us about all that crap. I suddenly don’t give a shit about spending thanksgiving with them anymore.

Nope, not a shit. I want to spend it alone again, I’m so much happier that way.

Did I ever mention I kind of hate my family? I mean what kind of idiots are they? For fuck’s sake, I made them a beautiful dinner tonight. I fucking hate them. Oi, how my grandmother’s journal today must differ from mine.

She said, “I’ll have to write this in my journal, that this was the first dinner she cooked for us, and in her own home, too.”

Mom says I ought to watch out about all this cooking stuff. I may have already been pegged as the woman to cook shit for people since after all, I am a woman. I think that’s part of what I hate about being in a family full of men.

I’m going to call abbie now and make sure she takes her morning after pill. We don’t want her getting preggo by some twig named warren. Fuckin’ warrin, thas right! Like from Empire Records. Fo’ sho’.

Okay, done. She remembered to take it, I just wanted to double check. I wonder if she considers that an abortion or not? I mean she’s pro-life, but the morning after pill idea didn’t seem to faze her.

I suppose I should explain.

She’s 22, and she’s dating this 25-year-old, Warrin. He has a 3.5-year-old. We don’t like him b/c of these three reasons (she leaves #2 out, because she thinks all men are like this):

1. He didn’t want to use a condom the first night they met, got into a relationship, and slept together (hello dude, isn’t a kid enough to teach you a lesson?)

2. He was trying to get into her pants pretty much all night.

3. He said something to the effect of, “you should get on birth control so that we can have sex without a condom. “ Um, HELLO, she doesn’t know you, and you haven’t gone out to do the whole “let’s get tested together” event. So NO, she can’t just decide not to use a condom.

He also gave her bruises from all the dry humping (what the fuck) and WHAT. THE. FUCK. The only thing they have in common is that they like each other. A whole hour of their first date was dedicated to simply saying things like, “I like you, you’re so awesome!” Boring!

One thing I’ll look forward to next semester is the fact that I never have to worry about her taking my guys again. It’s ridiculous how she always swoops in and takes the guy. And for the next three weeks of hanging with her (or rather of taking care of her…fuck…), at least I won’t have to be pissed at her for stealing the guy. She’s not allowed to, she’ll never cheat. Come to think of it, life was so much easier (and more fun) when we were out and she was with Ch*rles In Charge. That is, before he broke her heart on her birthday weekend.

When the grandparents came over today, she was bored as hell. All because the attention wasn’t on her 24/7. Often I think she just tries to butter me up and tell me I’m great just so that I’ll thank her and then shut up…so she can talk about herself. “Works every time,” I can just hear her saying to an idea like that.

Oh yeah, and Warrin wants to go to her graduation. Hah! She says she really doesn’t want him there, that she’ll have left him by then. I don’t think it’s so great that she’s leading him on, or that he’s willing to show off his kid so early in the relationship. The kid has feelings, too, and she’ll get attached to abbie if they’re not careful. Then what? Then she just turns into yet another one of daddy’s friends, or aunts, or what have you. I never pictured abbie like that, and it pains me to do so now. Damnit, dating site. What the hell fuck problem has you?

We had a brief conversation about what she should do in front of the kid in terms of affection, if anything. She asked me if she should do anything with him in front of the kid. I immediately said ‘no,’ because of ana.

My dad dated ana for two weeks, and when I came home at that two-week mark, he looked very happy. I mentioned it, and he said, “I may be getting married.” Of course I was furious—I had never met the woman. She could cause me to move, have a step sibling, and there was a large potential that she was a complete idiot. I mean, why else would you marry a man who doesn’t treat his severe ADD?

The first time I met ana and company (she had a son,

Also, abbie is pushing me like crazy to see “smiley face,” some movie that I am halfway through…I’m enjoying it, I just wish she wouldn’t be so bossy all the time. Sometimes I just want her to fuck off.

Teenie has the same problem, but less so. She sort of gently suggests that I do something, but never tells me directly to do it. It’s a good situation. Much better than rooming with abbie, anyway. See, I knew this would all work out in the end.

- sunday, Nov. 9, 2008


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