backyard crowing
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dawn.
oi, so here is the new year. my first entry, i do believe.
i had a horrible dream last night--no, two, but i can't remember the second one, only that it was horrible.
i was at a band concert and i was supposed to play a duet with jackie r. in front of everyone. we both played bass clarinets in high school. we were up next and i didn't have an instrument, so i just temporarily stole one from backstage rather than running all the way back down to the band hall and missing the duet. my reed was very dry and i was so nervous that i couldn't seem to get any of the notes right. i sounded worse than jackie, and everyone knew that jackie was never the best of musicians. i was supposed to be better than her, i was in the top band (symphonic) and she was in the second (concert I).
we played our (theoretically) easy 5-bar long song with squeaks, rhythm changes that weren't supposed to happen, and all sorts of accomodation on her part. i don't know how we got to the end, but as soon as we did, mr. little (the director) said, "Again!" As if we weren't mortified enough. and of course since the audience consisted of parents and students, one of my fellow bass clarinetists was sure to identify the instrument in my arms--it was the school's best, brand new.
i'm pretty sure this is my version of the "discovering yourself naked at school" dream, or the "i showed up at a test i hadn't studied for at all" dream.
FUCK OFF, conscience. I'm going to blow 2009 away. I have a new name, and it's Zora. It means dawn, because I am in a new place now, prepared to take on life and all its beauty and hardships.
- monday, jan. 5, 2009
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