backyard crowing
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good afternoon, world
it has never been more clear to me what i'm all about than last night as i was sleeping.
i had a dream where i flew to france, and a guy abbie was interested in happened to be on the same flight as me. i didn't see him on the flight, but later while in france. he had asked her out before, and hadn't gotten a response from her, so it was my job to say, "hey, she said yes," and i hadn't done that yet. apparently i knew him from somewhere.
so we were in a hotel or someplace together and for some reason abbie showed up. then we were all chilling out and talking to each other, and i casually mentioned that abbie had wanted to say 'yes' to his proposal of getting a drink. surprisingly in this dream the action of revealing her feelings in front of the three of us was fine by everyone, it wasn't a social no-no.
so then they went off to do their thing, and i said, "if anything goes wrong, if you need anything, just call the police, which is..." and then of course we had to look up the police number. i believe we came to the conclusion that it was to hold down the number 5 for awhile. this didn't make much sense either, since what kind of shenanigans could they possibly get into that would need the help of the french police?
at any rate, i wandered down the street in france looking at all the shops. i went into a shop that i had gone into during another dream when i was in france. i thought, "i know this place," and just sauntered right in like i owned the place. i looked at everything and saw some useless metal items that would hold collections of hats and other such nonsense. eventually it became not what i was to buy, but the experience of being in a french shop, and boy, i loved it.
then i left the shop and wandered around the streets a bit more until i arrived at the french countryside. there were children everywhere, and they were playing a game a bit like simon says, where the leader would call out an animal and the children were to act out that animal in a certain way. but while they played, they were walking home to the countryside. i followed them, attempting to play the game and getting 'out' when they noticed my turtle imitation was not up to par. still, i followed them and had a great time just observing.
eventually we got to their homes, and along the way i took a longcut that brought me through some marshes alone except for a child or two. i looked at the fields, full of produce that the city kids and country kids both ate from. i saw that they were not so different at all; that one group simply had more opportunities than the other, and that the food was the same, the children were the same, but the life is where their roads diverged.
when i got to the houses, they were small shacks with small children everywhere, but they were happy. the only thing that got them down was studying for the bac, which meant escaping the countryside. their education it seems was not the best, but they studied their hearts out for a chance to do more. they ran around and played like any other children and they were just nice kids. i imagined them in a few years, older, teenagers. i wondered how those tiny shacks could hold a flock of teenagers, if there would be enough space, food, freedom. then again, there's never enough freedom for a teenager...or anyone, for that matter.
i realized that getting my degree was like their getting their bac, and that as long as i was in france, exploring, seeing new people and new things, i wasn't jealous of abbie and her latest boy target for a minute. she wanted a man, i wanted a life of adventure and exploration. and that was okay, in fact unsurprising, seeing as we are polar opposites on so many issues. we were at peace. she was she, and i was i. it all made sense, everything made sense, and i was happy. i could observe, uncover, relate to foreigners. everything meshed, clicked, the puzzle pieces fit.
she wants one thing from life, and i another.
i suppose that is what i should devine from this whole experience. it's fine to want something different than what she wants. and i should get my degree, because it is like them getting their bac. and i should travel. explore, discover, see life through other people's eyes. my constant nagging wanderlust has once again come to the forefront, and that, that is my meaning of life. and not just going to a new restaurant or a new museum or a new landmark--living in a new country, speaking in a new language, learning a new culture. that to me is where the thrill is.
and the men are entirely secondary. sure, i do love a good romance, but in times like these that holds little importance. i'm 22. i can't forget that i am still young, have lots to offer, and will get by in this world. i can't forget that this wanderer's life is still a project, a goal, and a happening in the making.
i'm finding out it's not new york that i want, it's the world. that city just reflects it well. while i have lost no passion for the big apple, i am realizing that it is only one place i wish to haunt.
good afternoon, world, and may you all be as lucky as i am to know your path in life. you are not a failure for wanting a career, for wanting a family, for wanting to travel. you are simply a person with a bright future ahead of you.
- thursday, dec. 11, 2008
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