backyard crowing


toxic relationships

so dad was talking the other day about how it's odd or ironic that psychologists tend to be in toxic relationships.

but my best friend abbie is a psychology major (graduate now, actually), and my relationship with her can often be me.

she has always said that she hates being in romantic relationships, and she's also said a couple of times that she has no friends, the latter of which is of course absurd, because we are pretty much inseparable.

so i figured it out:

she's accustomed to toxic relationships, and to being on the short end of the stick in them. but with me, she can have the long end, so she grabs it.

she said to me once that her closest friends screw her over and have many times, and i didn't understand her. i remember saying, "what do you mean? why would you continue hanging out with them if they're screwing you over?" her answer surprised me; it was loyalty that held them together. i guess i'm still learning about loyalty, i feel like if someone is awful to you, you should just discard them, because life is short, there's no time to hang out with losers and users. the ultimate in screwing over a friend (in my opinion) would be stealing their guy...and she's already done that a couple of times to me.

so i see where her loyalty thing comes in...but i don't know why i've stuck by her. it's not so much because i want to be loyal to her, only that i like her company. so much is said and done in our friendship that covers up the missteps. maybe it's partly because we've been "together" for so long that
the crap we've pulled on each other just floats away on a sea of foreverness.

and so a great question comes to mind, it's plagued me for the past few weeks:

if you had the choice to either be loyal to a friend and do something negative for the world or do something for the greater good and be disloyal to your friend, which would you do?

more and more i am leaning toward the latter. when you think about it, being disloyal means risking ruining your relationship with the friend, which you treasure. by instead doing good for the world, you are screwing yourself over for humankind, donating (i think) a greater contribution.

but then there is a place for loyalty, too. the ideal is when you can be loyal AND help the world, of course.

so anyway, back to abbie. she's a psych graduate, gravitates toward toxic relationships that she hates being in, and believes highly in loyalty. so she's used to toxic relationships...and then starts one with me...thinks it's totally normal...screws me over.

i am teh confused. :(

matt answered the "would you rather be loyal/do something for the greater good" question by saying that the world is screwed up anyway, so you might as well be loyal to your friend.

...then again, i'm not sure he's such a reliable source, as his best friend stole his girlfriend from him. that's not a good frame of reference if you're trying to answer this question objectively.

speaking of which, he called at 12:17 am today. i was going to the restroom so i didn't pick up, and according to abbie, it's still not time to call him back. i should wait until tommorow, she says.

plus, 17 minutes past midnight?! i am always up, but what does he think i am, a booty call?!

hopefully not. maybe it was a drunk dial...gah! that would be awful. he should have left a message, the punk ass bitch.

NOTE: This call happened post-group-project. in other words a call saying, "hey, how's the project going?" no longer exists. he is calling to call me. to say hi.

to ask me out finally???

we shall see.

i seriously need to go do some working out. there is one good thing about men, they can without saying a word encourage me to be healthier. but that makes them assholes, too.

again, i feel like i have won with matt. or maybe he's just got no one else to call. maybe he's keeping me on the back burner, in case suzy q doesn't work out. maybe he wants to go to the slam poetry night tommorrow. maybe he wants to celebrate that our group made a good grade. maybe he's
on a dark road and calling me just in case he dies, as is his tradition. maybe he wants to know if i'm in houston yet. maybe he's a douchebag in douchebag's clothing.

i don't know.

but i do know that whatever happens, 2009 will be a better year. it just has to be, there's no doubt about it.

Good night i hope i can stay in my apartment.

my dog died...i asked mom today how she was doing, and she said she had some sad news. i cried some over the phone, but really i felt so bad for mom, she's the one who had to put her to sleep. the vet said doing so was "doing her a kindness," and mom kept apologizing, but goodness, it's what you
have to do sometimes. it sucks to lose a pet, but they're worth it.

now all i'm thinking about is marcus, and how we met. i wrote that entry about my first dog dying, he commented on it, and then the tumultuous four-year affair began. tommorrow's the night i finish it all:


and then he's gone. dead to me. once and for all, i'm burying the pieces. it's not fair that he should haunt me. i need to start breathing already.

- wednesday, dec. 17, 2008


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