backyard crowing


ants and grizzlies

"I can do all things through God who strengthens me."

- Phillipians 4:13

I just have to let this be my mantra from now on.

I am exhausted, but I should keep reading. It's 11:32 pm. I am behind on my studies. They always get this way and I say 'I'll never let them get this way again' and then before I know it here I am, crying. This has got to change.

I guess I can't be too frustrated with myself since I've been diagnosed twice now with depression. It's a disease, it's an illness. And not only that, but it's severe and recurring. I think I need to accept this and then overcome it. I feel as if I'm not accepting it right now, but gradually I'm learning that it's true; that is a correct diagnosis. People don't cry nearly as easily or often as I cry...

And it doesn't help that I've been living alone for about a couple of weeks now. I think to some degree the solitude can make you crazy, particularly when you don't know when the next roommate is going to be found, or when he/she will move in.

Jenny backed out, she's not interested in moving in anymore. I didn't ask Teenie if that affected whether or not she can afford to study abroad in Europe like she's planning to (she leaves Feb. 9), I am afraid to ask. If she says she's no longer studying abroad, that means she officially hates my guts. Right now it's just a tentative thing.

It's a good thing for me at least that now we're looking for a new person. They'll pay the 65 for the app. fee, and teenie will cover the subletting fee.

For awhile I was livid at Teenie because she said in a phone message that Jen was thinking about maybe backing out because 'she didn't like the birds, and really needed some peace and quiet.' but long before we ever started having disagreements, I talked with Jen and she said, 'i had a friend who had parakeets, and they were kind of scary.' we both agreed that we would talk about it later, after all the paperwork was done and THAT major hump was passed, but she never once said that my having birds was a dealbreaker for her. then as soon as we all started having issues with each other, teenie suggests on this same phone message that i find a place to put the birds for the next five months. so yeah...i was highly livid. either teenie or jen had this idea to try and punish me for abiding by the LAW, and i was very unhappy that either would try such an underhanded move.

i sincerely hope that she gets to Europe, and that she continues paying rent until a new person is found, and that she pays the two ben franklins for the subletting fee. and of course, if we could walk out of this situation with some amount of respect for each other, that would be nice. she sounded extremely grave and dejected when she told me that jen had backed out. it was a new tone of voice that i had never heard from her before.

i know (at least i think i know) that i am in the right here. still, it's very difficult to do right when it's your friend, it's important for her, it's important for another friend of hers, and it's a lame fee anyway.

i said i would look for a new roommate via any means i had, and i'm doing just that. there, that's something to be proud of. and sticking to my guns, or my dad's guns, really. he kind of made an arse of himself to teenie over the defensive and started making it a moral issue. and with teenie going into law school after she graduates...i know this must have been extra hard on her pride. today the realty office talked to her and said essentially, 'sorry, but you can't break the law.'

for posterity --

this is dealing with the fact that teenie (and of course that's a fake name) doesn't want to sign the forms and pay the fee to allow the new roommate (jen) to move in legally. so she wants to go under the table and not tell the realtors what's up. unfortunately, that would make my dad and i liable for stuff that we don't want to be liable for. and if teenie's in GREECE and jen 'forgets' to pay me her half of the rent one month, then i'm stuck unable to contact teenie, because she'll have no phone, i don't know where her parents live, and it would be all too easy for her to just ignore my e-mails asking for her half of the rent.

and signing the papers protects jen as well. if i was out grocery shopping and jen was at the apartment and someone broke in or the cops were called because she threw a mad loud party, she would be considered breaking and entering or trespassing, which i'm sure she doesn't want.

...and then there was the part the other day when teenie tried to egg me on to lie to my dad. she said, 'how would he ever know?' oh trust me, he would know. he would ask, and i couldn't lie. and though i've lied to my dad before, i don't want to do it anymore, it only causes problems, and a lack of trust.

and besides, if the papers were signed, we'd have to go to a notary, and have him look at them (he's a guarantor), and ask questions about how to do what, because we're not too experienced with legal stuff.

she said, 'i didn't think your dad would be so adamant about this.' but i never said it would be okay with him, i just said i needed to ask him, and then when i did, he was not on board. so i never misled her. in small claims court, it's always better when you play by the rules exactly, the judge favors those who stick to what they sign, etc.

i'm not a bad person. i'm sure i'm not the only person who's cried about this today. undoubtedly teenie has had tears over it (public or otherwise), and jen must have a ton of weight on her shoulders as well. i mean for goodness' sake, school starts in seven days. fuck.

i'm pretty sure teenie has finally broken the news to her parents what's going on with us. i know as recently as YESTERDAY they were unaware...but when you're a family of 6 like teenie's, you don't just say, 'hey mom and pop, can ya spare seven hundred bucks and maybe a couple more rent payments?'

i shudder to think of how they might have reacted. they hate her boyfriend, who's been dating her for more than 3 years now. she has tip top grades, is about to graduate, is going to law school (which they wanted, and now she has decided is the thing for her), and the boyfriend encourages her to study. granted, he also encourages her to go out, but w/e. the bottom line is that he's a good guy, and if she's not done with her work, she doesn't go out, whether it be her choice or his suggestion. and they're friends, and they treat each other well, and they argue, and she's great with his's her parents that are the odd people out.

dinners with them are very awkward, and more of a drill session than anything else. she holds his hand underneath the table during the questioning. she has tried goodmouthing both sides about the 'opposing' side, but no such luck.

when they started dating, she wasn't allowed to date, but of course she did anyway, she was a senior in high school! she was in AP classes in high school, and now she's graduating early, and studying abroad, and going into law. whew! i mean geez, what more do they want from her? they're asian...but still, i don't understand. they're far too intense.

her boyfriend told her, 'i can't believe an easygoing, good-natured person like you could spring from such a pairing of loins!'

(ok, so he didn't say THAT, but i thought it sounded good :D).

i hope in some ways that they don't get involved in the subletting issue, because what if they don't speak great english? i'm not entirely sure that they do... i know she speaks some chinese. and the boyfriend speaks japanese. he lived there for many years, and he has an accent. he's also an only child. they get on well together, it's fun to watch them be cute and then have arguments. she's always the logical one, the one with her head screwed on tight and crisp, and he's more artsy, creative, a dreamer. but they're both totally lovable! i love that i can now see that even the most logical of people (teenie, abbie, my dad) are awesome/amazing/adorable in their own way as well.

and she likes how i write, says it's personal. i like her so much, i hope everything falls into place asap.

she's also said she doesn't have many friends who are girls, and that she usually doesn't form a bond/friendship with her roommates. so i felt extra special on both accounts. :) i think it's difficult sometimes to have female friends if you're spending a lot of time with the boy toy. not that i would know, heh...never really gotten that far, at least not to my knowledge.

i'm so friggin' exhausted! i feel i've written your eyes out, so i'll to bed. didn't get much done in the way of studying today, but i did take care of apartment business, talk to my psychologist, go to the realty office, and get groceries. today wasn't a total failure.

and i have to keep remembering, we all fail a little bit each day. no day is perfect, that's just the matter of it. life is messy. the idea is just to minimize the imperfections, celebrate the achievements, and not get so down on ourselves that life seems not worth living.

and if i go to bed now, i'll be fresh in the morning, ready to tackle figurative bears that are really just ants, only i think they're bears because i haven't taken them out yet.

*cracks knuckles*

here i come, grizzlies.

- tuesday, jan. 13, 2009


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