backyard crowing
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dreams: insupportably vast, dangerously insubstantial
I have just started reading Arthur Miller's "Death of A Salesman."
The description on the back struck me hard in the face--it reads:
"Arthur Miller redefined the tragic hero as a man whose dreams are at once insupportably vast and dangerously insubstantial."
That is me, to a T.
Dangerously insubstantial: my enthusiasm for a "dumb" job: bartending.
Insupportably vast: everything I want: to write, to enjoy life, to know people, to know everything, to travel, to know the ins and outs of every human emotion and express it in artistic ways that touch people's very marrow.
I had better get with it, I am already 22, that ghastly, no-good number. I can't wait to be 23. Though some might say I'm in my prime and have plenty of time, this won't last long, I know it, because life is short. And by that I do not mean I wish to kill myself--I think that only sometimes--I mean simply that I should "get busy living, or get busy dying."
I want to say that last quote is from "Shawshank Redemption." It came to me in the shower a few minutes ago, randomly as meaningful quotes often do when you need them acutely. I think it's God who does this. For some people it's a Bible verse, for some it's a movie quote.
Or quotation, whatever, picky, picky!
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Today after playwriting I was on the bus on my way home when I ran into Ash, a girl who skipped our class that day. She told me she was bipolar, and that she had felt very overwhelmed, so much so that she called our professor before class to say that she couldn't make it. Then she asked what had gone on, and I gave her a brief summary of what we discussed. When it was her turn to get off, I asked her if she wanted to go hang out and get a meal and chat, she said she was meeting a friend, but yes, definitely some other time.
Minutes earlier, before I boarded the bus, I was tearing up because I was stressed that I didn't have the homework that was due that day turned in, and I hadn't read "Death of A Salesman" like I was supposed to by today. To stay sane and not cry, I wrote on a piece of paper, "Dear Self, Dear Zora, You are going to get through this. Love, Me." I then cried more, only then it became therapeutic. It was a moment to be your own best friend.
I almost didn't go to playwriting today because I didn't have my shit done. Now I'm glad I did...turns out the point was not that I got anything out of going to class, but that after it I (think) I helped someone...and now I really hope we'll be friends; I don't know what it is to be bipolar but I know some about the affliction, and as a depressed person I am aware of what mental issues can do to a person. There's a chance we could really relate. She lives on campus.
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oh, and diary, I forgot to tell you another delicious tidbit! I'm invited to what my new friend amber says is a "very gay singles party" this saturday, on Valentine's day! I have V-day plans! I feel special.
the girl who invited me (and she asked me of my orientation, I told her straight,) is this amber in question, and she's another person from my playwriting class. i'm not sure what her sexuality is, but it doesn't really matter. she has agreed to drive me to the party, for as you remember, my car was stolen. i said i could find a bus, since i know how it is planning the party, but she said actually it was her friend who was hosting the party, she had no role in the preparations.
based on what she's told me about her life, i'm prone to believe there will be at least one illicit substance (pot) at the event and possibly others. alcohol will of course be there, i know that for sure. i've been reading on errowid, a fantastic new internet excavation, about what wellbutrin + pot or wellbutrin + alcohol or wellbutrin + pot + alcohol equals, and it's mostly crap. i could take less (or zero) wellbutrin and just have one drink, or maybe do 1-2 hits, but that's all i would dare to undertake. and i'm not entirely sure that i want my first experience with pot to be with complete strangers. i should probably put a toothbrush and facewash in my purse, just in case no one is sober enough to drive me home and i don't feel like paying for a taxi. on that note, i should also bring a book. i'm bringing a book to a party! i'll have to hide it.
amber says the apartment has peace signs painted all over the walls in special blacklight paint, and then blacklights. i can't wait to see it! i hope the music is awesome, i have a feeling if it's 'very gay,' as she said the party would be, i'll like it. i wonder if i'll see anyone from my glbt lit class! i wonder if we'll play spin the bottle. that's so high school of me...but i do admit, i would like to try kissing a girl, so long as it was strictly about the physical, and not the romantic...so i'm not sure i'll ever kiss a girl, because i don't do the fwb thing, both for my sake and my partner's.
that's fine with me if i never kiss a girl. it is not an intense curiosity...until of course it is! i do thoroughly believe a person's sexuality is fluid. dad says his has always been completely steady, completely straight, and the thought of to men 'just makes his skin crawl,' as he put it on the phone. i on the other hand have fluctuated a bit.
i have this theory:
1. We're all a little queer at first, but society 'kicks us into shape,' so most of us forget our vague sexual feelings for the same sex.
2. The amount that society does this kicking is directly related to how queer we are when we grow up.
3. This means that my dad was very straight, I am a little bi, and my offspring has even more potential to be glbt. That is, if I am a good and open parent to him/her. If I'm a shitty parent they'll either be straight, anxiously pretend to be straight, or have had the potential of homosexuality blasted out of their system because I've been a shitty parent.
That being said, my dad told me when i was younger that it was morally wrong to be glbt, and that the Bible says so. Of course I used to believe this, and now I don't.
He uses his age to justify his homophobia. He says, "how much can you expect a person who grew up as I did to be pro-gay/pro-marriage? I think I'm VERY open-minded." bull. shit. you're never, ever too old to change your ways. if you ever get that way, you should probably just die already because your life is way past boring.
he (dad) idiotically disagrees with gay marriage. he tried to corner me by saying, "so then you don't think marriage is a religious thing?"
bull shit. of course it's religious. but atheists get married ALL THE TIME! so you're saying they shouldn't have rights to get married? he's insane, simple as that.
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people in my playwriting class:
-cels - total crush! an angelic south american guy! beautiful man, beautiful dark facial hair! he's just a doll! he's the former jailbird who had to write with my mermaid prompt. :D he also dresses well, in jeans and shirts and blazers. his smile seemed at first conniving (the jail thing made me prejudiced) but later 100% genuine...with a little schoolboy mischief thrown in!
-kat - nice girl, likes to write songs. very polite and sweet. she asked me on the bus one day, "so, is z your real name?"
-burk - another complete cutie, another crush! this one's german. glasses, blonde hair, horrid frown and absolutely disarming smile! i saw him on tuesday and he said 'hi.' i was smiling insanely for quite a few minutes thereafter...until i was crying at encouraging anne frank quotes in the library. then i bumped into natalie and we talked about roomming together.
often there's nothing quite as much of a mood booster as a little flirtation!
-lila - awesome, i admire her, she's english and has very refined taste, loves oscar wilde. she's beautiful, but in the best way possible: she dresses down, way down, and yet her smile, little bit of makeup and hidden but thin physique look perfect. she could easily 'slut it up' or turn into someone completely different, but she sticks with a simpler sort of beauty, one that flatters her. she has large brown eyes and blonde hair. she seems fragile like her name, and yet talkative, well-spoken and intelligent.
-amber - awesome as well, but in a more humble, radical, down-to-earth way
-jen - the prof, total girl crush on her! today i thought to myself, "she is the most beautiful woman in the world!" part of this is because i admire her talent and lightning fast speech, but she is incredibly thin and has a broad smile. she usually wears: thick black hipster glasses, boatneck shirts, dance shoes, and she has a blonde pixie haircut. gorgeous! i also think i dig her just because she of course holds my grade in the palm of her hand, and i had better look up to her! but truly, she is astoundingly beautiful, inside and out. i hope she understood about Ash's bipolarism today, i think she did. on her FB profile one of her interests is "giving hugs when they're needed." also, jen appears to be 32, she just had a birthday yesterday and several of us saw her at the play, we just didn't know it was her day and so didn't do anything to celebrate. i think she may be an only child too, one of her FB photos is a pic of she and her parents, and it reads, "the three amigos." it was adorable, and oddly enough it made me a little sad. it's okay though, there's a time for me to have that, in the future. :) in the meantime, i adore my professor.
-Ash - awesome chick who gave me a ride home from the play on wednesday. she is the bipolar girl i think i connected with. she has a long-running public blog about i can't remember what.
-another guy whose name i can't remember - huge nerd, a little cocky, but a guy who seems to have a good heart. he's incredibly bright, likes transformers, explaining the word 'lulz,'
-chibs - awesome bi dude! he has a great mass of dark curly hair with a shot of hot pink hair in a chunk on top. his hair is certainly unforgettable. he's a rocky h. p. show performer, slam dude, and he's full of creative pursuits like acting and writing. he curses quite a bit, even in class, and writes hilariously vulgar scenes. methinks he's into bondage. :) anyway, while i look up to him i don't imagine he likes me much.
-another dude - a mystery. i don't know his name, i still have to find out. i think he's gay, unfortunately but he wants the exact same things as i do: to go to new york, be a bartender as a backfall, and write. he wants to write plays. i'm so enthused to meet someone with the exact same goals! and he's not all that well-spoken, either, he's a bit shy. his hair is a bit big for me...you never know. i'm eager to see if he's gay. his foot was tapping a bunch when we found out we had all those goals in common.
reasons i believe he might be gay:
-high-ish voice
-wears necklaces
-there are other people in the class, but i'm getting tired, and i've listed the most important ones
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i read somewhere today online that you should try to talk to one stranger a day for 30 days. this should help you better conquer your social anxiety. the tip said in short, "don't worry about people rejecting you and blowing you off in the most grandiose ways--that'll happen! just let it, and know that the more this happens, the better your chances of meeting a real friend are. and as you talk to more strangers, you'll learn it's not so hard to do."
i like that idea, of the 30 days. i'm trying to remember who my stranger was today, but i know i had at least one, because i remember thinking to myself, "aha! got one!" when i talked to one. i remember today i talked to these strangers:
-the bus driver (oh wait, scratch that, i ended up not talking to him!)
-a person on the bus, i asked them if they knew whether the bus stopped by the building i was on my way to, they said 'sorry, i don't know of that building'
-the intellectual property cashier (i bought "slam poetry for dummies" at 50% off, the store's closing on march somethingth)
-an employee at the co-op (adorable, and as he passed me after asking if i needed any help, he looked into my eyes a little longer than normal...aie, how adorable)
-a cashier at the co-op
-two other cashiers at the co-op
wow! so that's six people. i'm not as bad as i thought. the most challenging of the six would have been the bus driver, since i didn't want to interrupt his driving and bug him. but hey, that's part of his job, and i had plenty of instances when i could have asked him a question, because we were at stoplights and such.
something i realized the other day:
i forgot what i was going to say. arg. i think it had something to do with confidence coming from within, not from anyone else.
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dream i had last night:
i had a super nice car with all the trimmings. unfortunately it was funded by dad. then robert downey junior was there--we were both in a parking lot. i was amazed to run into him. he looked hot, but rather scraggly, and his car was a piece of crap, because he didn't want to be recognized. i said, "oh, i loved you in both of your movies that i saw! iron man, and also the one with gwenyth paltrow!" of course iron man IS the one with gwen, but whatever. joke's on me. i don't know if i've ever seen downey in another production, except for briefly at the end of the latest version of "the hulk."
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thing that happened this evening:
dad called tonight. he has to take a pay cut because of the economy, but fortunately he's still able to fund me exactly as he has before.
now he says, 'now, hold up your end of the deal.' i don't know if that means to get the grades or to spend money wisely. it probably means both. i'm a failure at both, but at least i'm trying, and it's not over yet.
the pay cut he said was not due to their bad work, they've been doing well, it's the economy that is falling to pieces. i'm worried, but i don't know quite what to do. save up, pay off the credit card, study hard, pray, live life. easier said than done.
dad said, 'so is your feeling worried about your grades helping you improve them, or hurting your chances of improving them?' i said, 'some of both, depending on the day, more the latter than the former.' he replied, 'well, don't let it.' i said nothing, because really, nothing i could say would make him understand that like Ash, sometimes I can't control my feelings if I'm sad or overwhelmed. then he said, 'i know that's easier said than done.' but if i can't control it? i'm supposed to be on disability, remember?
but i always doubted whether that was really necessary, or true for my case.
i really hope i don't kill myself. i mean, just because another depression might be upon our country doesn't mean i should let my depression worsen, get out of hand, go to the extreme. i'd like to fix it: now.
the worst case scenario would be if i lived with a parent. then i'd really want to die, but then i couldn't kill myself, because i'd feel too guilty doing it while living with one of them. my freedom has been stripped considerably just by not having a car. being carless is 100% different in new york, because i'd be far, far away from any family and no one who has a heart has a car there anyway.
(kidding about the heartlessness, of course.) :D
in short, the question when it comes to depression (and so many other things) is this:
does 'mind over matter' cure everything, or are some things (like depression, etc.), truly uncontrollable? i guess that's the heart of the matter, whether we can just 'snap out' of our mental health problems. i know this for sure: addictions can't just be shaken off, they are intense and people who have them have very little control. i suppose maybe it is the same for depression, maybe not. and of course it depends on the person. some have more control over themselves, some less.
i'm exhausted, so i'm going to sleep. according to a contributor on errowid, taking 1 of my sized pills 30 min before bed will give you very vivid dreams. i wonder if that's about what happened last night with robert downey jr. i'm not the best at taking the pills exactly when i'm supposed to.
oh yeah, and the wellbutrin horror stories of misuse are...horrible. absolutely terrifying. made me question if i even wanted a little bit of bupropion in my system! but no, in my dose (small), it's fine to take. for depression, smoking cessation, adhd...hah! it's so sexy and multipurpose!
again, goodnight, you fools!
- friday, feb. 13, 2009
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