backyard crowing


blackbird singing in the dead of night

Someone asked me today if I was still writing.

I haven't posted here in ages, and before that, it was ages before that...and before that, I was probably a child. Or a very confused young person.

Today I lost half a paper for an online Shakespeare course that's killing me.

If I don't finish it, I'll have wasted a thousand dollars of my own cash on this, not to mention, it would be a personal failure.

I'm supposed to enter school again in the fall, for the first time in four years.

I've grown considerably in the past four years, but the anxiety of falling short, yet again, plagues me.

Am I even supposed to be in school? I don't want to be a journalist, but being a journalism major will get me graduated the soonest. 23 hours, and I'll have a bachelor's. It's the only thing I don't have that everyone else seems to...everyone else that's happy or has a semi decent job, anyway.

I hate the pressure society puts on that stupid piece of paper. I hate the pressure my mother puts on it, and that I put on it. I hate that my life isn't settled yet, figured out yet. I don't feel I've "made it" in almost any way.

I've never had a vacation day in my life. I've had days off, but never a vacation.

The day my job offered me health insurance, I took it, and that was a step up. I was someone in the world, someone whose health a company gave a shit about.

Am I writing anymore? Am I really? Or is that a farce?

If I was writing anything of real importance, I sense I'd put it up here. And still, this is a long winded rant that no human really wants to see.

The good things in my life are:

-my boyfriend
-improv theater
-I have a job right now
-I'm feeling motivated enough to post an entry right now
-if I get the guts, I can go renew my lease so I'm not homeless on August 2nd
-did I mention I'm lucky in love?
-met a bus driver who's been working for Capmetro for 13 years now--if I can get ahold of a video camera, I could phone him and start making the documentary that's been banging around in my head

The bad things:

-sorely in debt
-don't have a degree
-don't have a real life plan
-not sure I really want to go back to school, and whether that's my decision, or someone else's
-strong, STRONG desire to leave Texas and never come back
-not making ends meet right now
-rough feelings about my body
-too many goals

All I know is I just lost a bunch of work, on a paper I hate writing, and I may fail yet again. I won't succeed by writing here and complaining about it, but I can't just go on bearing a smile, either.

Ray is playing Blackbird by the Beatles, and I am cooing at him. :)

9:39 pm - Saturday, Jul. 27, 2013


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