backyard crowing
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dream, love, and scooters
A rather disturbing dream...
I was in the same RTF class as my boyfriend, who in real life is not in college at all.
In this class (which I am in, in my waking life,) we are responsible for tweeting a couple of times a week, about something class-related. So we can see the twitter feeds of others in our class.
I happened to notice that one of the girls in the class was very attractive. She sent out a tweet asking if someone wanted to partner with her on a project. She was not in my lab section, but she was in my boyfriend's.
In the dream, he and I are just talking, and he gets shy about some girl he knows, so I pry, and I figure out that it's her. Since we're both in the same class, I say something like, "Yeah, I figured it was her. She's cute." And I say it in a way that shows I'm uncomfortable with it, rather annoyed and threatened by the idea of it. He doesn't do anything to comfort me.
And in my waking life, I often find that to be the case: he doesn't comfort me. Sometimes he does, but sometimes it's just not enough, or not at all, during times when I need it dearly.
And every time he doesn't support me, or at least validate my feelings by saying, "Yeah, I can see why you might feel hurt/upset by that," it makes me want to pull away from him, as suddenly he doesn't seem particularly worth my time.
Back to the dream.
We see a woman who on Craigslist had been looking at my boyfriend's car, and she recognizes the vehicle. She immediately jumps, because she decides she'd like to buy it. In real life, my boyfriend hasn't given me his car, but in my dream, he had. So he immediately took it back and sold it to her...the three of us drove to the nearest bank to make the transaction happen.
She was poor, and justifying to her 3 kids that she needed to buy the vehicle because the old one they were currently using was on the fritz. She explained to them about how when their grandparent died a couple of months ago, they didn't leave a vehicle behind -- or something -- and so now they needed one. (This is odd, because no one owes their kid a car before they die.) I think she was playing the "I'm a poor single mom" card. But then, that's not really a card, it's a reality.
The scene brings up thoughts about how parents justify large purchases to their children when the whole family is aware they aren't financially stable.
Meanwhile, the lady is oddly telling my boyfriend, "Oh, I would have paid $300 more for it!" --that is, $300 more than the price they both settled on.
And meanwhile, of course, I am left without a car, surprised by the expediency at which my boyfriend sells it, and by how nonchalant he is about letting go of it for money, when he has already sort of left for me. Sure, he owned it, but he certainly didn't give a care about me when someone else showed up with the bills to buy it.
The theme here is, "No one can grant you freedom but yourself." In other words: I need to use some of this finaid money to get a scooter, lest I die inwardly from lack of freedom.
The dream got me thinking about my mild flirtation with D. I know truly by now that if I wasn't with R, I'd be very (perhaps painfully) in like with him. I love that I just want to be around him, hear his thoughts, bounce ideas off him, touch him.
It is the same with my boyfriend R, but different. I mean really, there is no comparison. Or there ought not be. We're talking apples and oranges, here.
D will go about his life, and we will continue to be friends, as it should be. I benefit from our banter, and so does he. I benefit from our frank talks about life, and so does he. I wish I could spend more time with him, one on one, talking about nearly anything.
I feel similarly with C, but with him, it's entirely nonsexual. It's important to have friends, and of both genders. We can help encourage each other, boost one another's confidence, with a hug, a smile, a pat on the back, a squeeze of the hand -- heck, even a platonic kiss on the cheek. I love these two guys. We relate, we share, we're open books.
And I know my feelings about D exist because when he speaks of other women, and dating them, I become just a little jealous. And I ...I want to kiss him, and I felt weird when he kissed J.A. onstage. I am not afraid of what he and I might become, because I know I will stay faithful to R. And at the same time, his mere presence in my life makes me wonder, do I need more from my romantic relationship? So much more that I need to find someone new?
Difficult questions, all. It's nothing I'm going to solve tonight. I will keep loving R, keep studying for class, and keep going to work. I will not kiss D, except if it is in a scene. And then I will take that and store it into my "I'm attractive and wonderful enough to kiss someone like D" brainfile, and I will keep living my life. From then on, D and I would be even closer, but still not sexual.
I will probably feel a little confused if we kiss onstage, understandably.
Other people don't understand how or why he touches me as often as he does. I didn't, at first. I thought he was into me. Perhaps he is, a little. Else, why touch a girl? But no, not necessarily.
"You bring this side out of me," he has said. I honestly think we see each other as caring mentors who don't like boundaries. The phrase I keep returning to to explain our relationship is: "I'm not made of stone." Ironically, that word -- "s" -- is my boyfriend's last name. If I marry him, I will be a Stone. Made of stone, perhaps. Making mini-Stones, perhaps.
I wonder what would happen if we ended, and I dated D for awhile. Part of my insides want out. Part of me wants to say something about my feelings about him. To him, or to our other troupemate C, or to a close, trusted friend. I'm not sure it helped much to share my crush with my therapist.
Having a crush makes me insecure that Ray might not have a crush, too. I want to reach out to Ray. I've never seen him cry. I want him to open up with me, and I feel like it's been awhile since he has. I'm not sure why that is. Have I been hard to reach?
10:42 pm - Sunday, Sept. 01, 2013
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