backyard crowing



That's it, diary. I've isolated myself away from all my friends. Katie has now de-friended me, Christian will be next. But she never listens to anyone but herself, anyway.

And I must ask myself, did I want Katie in my life? I didn't know how to restart the conversation.

I still don't. And now it's more awkward than ever.

I don't ever think a person might actually need me. I just need them.

I need them and then I dispose of them. Because I feel that's what they do with me.

I'm oceans away from everyone at this point.

Mom, even.

Stevie Wonder is some of the cure. Alcohol is perhaps the other part.

Soul music. Motown. It's the perfect blend of cheerful and deep. They don't discount your unhappiness. They don't judge. They just speak the truth, kindly. With encouragement.

It's times like these you have to be a friend to yourself, right? What would I say to my best friend, if I had one?

I need a real friend. I need to be a real friend. I'm stunted, and I'm not sure what makes me this way.

I seem to walk away, every time. The people are never worth the pain. Not even now.

I wish I knew the root of this bullshit side of my personality. I know it's my fault, I know I'm the fuckup, I just don't know why.

I think I've started to relate to my co-workers on a more-than-coworker level. Jane is a doll, and she's a mother of two. Jill is the boss, having bosslike, professional conversations. Wayne is an adorable gay boy, but he's also 90% profesh. Jane -- she's the voice in my head sometimes.

Lizzy is the girl who helped me get into the late lab tonight. I wouldn't have known about this place without her. Maybe we could hang.

Have a date with R on Friday. We're seeing "Dear White People," so that should be great. A movie we can both agree on.

I feel a change coming on, but I don't know what it is.

I also feel a list coming on.


-K & L (twins)
-I'm missing a few here?
-Joe T
-Diana (UGH)

And pretty much R's the only one I still talk to. But I don't really mind, day to day. It's just that when a tie gets broken, it's painful (eh?) and disconcerting.

They say it's tough to make new friends when you're older. But I'm older than I was a decade ago, and I don't have trouble finding friends. The only obstacle between me and making friends is the fact that I'm in college, and many of these students are several years younger than I am. That scares some of them away.

I alternate between days of pride with regards to my age, and days of insecurity. It's strange I wouldn't feel just one way, right?

My six-session thread with therapist Kat went great. But I want more.

12:11 am - Friday, Oct. 24, 2014


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