backyard crowing
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cheating dream
There are a lot of little lives in this big one.
Last night I dreamed that I was cheating on R with someone at work. In reality, I'm not cheating, nor do I like anyone at work.
In the dream I decided to quit the job and get another one, so that I would stop my cheating. I quit, but then I found I needed the money, so I went back. When I again cheated, I decided that again, I had to quit, for good this time. Then I woke up.
It wasn't a sexual dream at all, but I woke up and did the hokey pokey anyway.
I think it has less to do with attraction to other people, and more with how involved I am with school and work, and how I spend entire weekends at his house, yet not spending time with him. I study them away as he plays video games. And there's always hope that maybe I'll finish early, and we can go on a date, but it never happens.
He goes to bed at a sad 10:30pm, and some nights I don't even get to go to sleep. I hate not having a proper place to live. I hate never being able to sleep in, because of another damn project. I'm exhausted. It never ends. I keep eating just to stay awake and study.
I don't plan to break up with him, I don't want that ever. But I'm concerned that he's unhappy with the state of things. If I were in his shoes, I'd get sick of gaming away my weekends. I would like us to have a life together, in an apartment, away from his aunt, and everyone, for that matter.
I'm very particular about who I spend time with. I just don't have the time to sit around and shoot the breeze with idiots.
The only reason I'm awake at 4am right now is because I've had no personal time. So tomorrow I'll be miserably tired, but at least I'll have had a mental break. Gah. College! I can't wait for the semester to be over for good.
4:05 am - Thursday, Nov. 13, 2014
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