backyard crowing


I am strong enough.

When it comes down to it, I don't need my mother, or my fiance. I've been through hard times, and I can go through them again.

I've lived with three roommates a few times, I've now been rejected for foodstamps that I clearly need, and this Friday, I'll go to a food pantry. If this is what it takes, then so be it. I hope I won't be evicted.

No one has donated to the gofundme, and I'm wishing I hadn't created it. It's hidden from all my closest friends and family out of embarrassment. Now it's embarrassing because not even my friends are donating.

Tomorrow marks my 29th year on this earth, and I will survive.

Debating on whether to stay with R if he doesn't want to move in when my lease ends. I may give him back the ring until he's ready to move in, and wear an engagement ring himself.

In completely different news, I met this interesting character at a work thing the other day, we'll call him Andy. We work for a grocery delivery company.

He went to the same pseudo-community college I did, the same year I did, in San Antonio. He's my age, and he has goals. It's a comfort knowing he's out there. He's in j-school in SM, he had a winding path to get here, too. He has a girlfriend who travels a lot. I won't cheat on R, but I do want to hang out with Andy, and I will. I miss companionship, and R can't be my only friend. Not only is he incapable of being supportive in the way that I need...there are just things we can't relate to in each other.

He doesn't understand basic kindnesses. He doesn't get that excited when something good happens to me. These are bad signs, but they're not absolute deal breakers. If R doesn't want to move in at the end of my lease, I may very well hand this ring back. Not to break up with him, but to show him how much I need his commitment, and that I won't settle.

To bring the mood up again, I repeat:

I don't need my mother. I don't need R. I really don't need too many people, period. I will get by, with or without them. I am strong enough.

2:02 pm - Sunday, May. 24, 2015


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