backyard crowing


living with the fiance - and dreams

-- I've locked this diary for awhile now, but it's open once more. Welcome back. If you follow at all, there are a few more posts that occurred while I was locked.

I should be out doing Uber. Finally, a little time to myself in this house. I have my GPS working fine again.

It'll be strange, getting used to having a house with...him in it. Yesterday I was trying to sort through things to throw them away -- memorabilia and the like. And he kept talking to me about random this-or-thats. I was patient outwardly, but really I just needed him to shut up and give me some space. It's not easy throwing away old sentimental stuff.

I'll be taking pictures of some of it, donating some, tossing some. A few treasures will stay, like the bear my grandparents gave me at age 5.

Ray doesn't seem too sentimental about anything, ever. It's bothersome. FEEL something, please? Will you, R?

We got a bed recently, and a gel foam topper for it. He's down south doing laundry at his old place at the moment. Probably won't want to see me here, not at work, when he returns. Wonder if he's drinking with his cousin. His drug dealing, alcoholic, bad decision-making cousin. At least he's not bothering me, I guess?

One thing I can say is this: he bought us a 3DTV. A what? Yeah. That was a surprise, and a sweet one. He knows 3D may be the industry I go into, and now I can actually watch stuff for school at home from time to time. He's a joy. I really love him, and he really loves me. It's great.

I just need to get accustomed to have a non-roommate roommate around. It's been awhile since I lived at home...and this is sort of similar to that.

I just don't want to be rushed as I throw away my sentimental items. It's the last time I'll encounter them, you know? I'm saying goodbye to so many little items -- and that's a good thing, we need the space.

Last night I dreamed I went to Lulu's, my favorite vietnamese place. Di, my former friend was there. I made a purchase, and she came right up to the chef and threw her loaded dish into the trash, right in front of him. She wasn't insulting his cooking, she was insulting him for serving me. Anyway...we're former friends, like I said. Meh.

That part was: representative me of not trusting my old friends.

Also in the dream I wandered around Austin at night. There was an old homeless lady on the street, and I felt guilty because I was eating in front of her.

That part was: about me being thankful for the few things I do have, and a little guilty because I know how many do not have security in their housing.

Another part of the dream: I was in college, living in a dorm -- it was a temporary housing situation, and I had three walls and a curtain to protect me from the rest of the building. I met a girl who was 24, and in love with one of her three roommates. Well, they were in love with each other. They were all women.

The 24-year-old was strangely heartbroken. She thought that the powerful housing department would move her sweetheart away from her. And, she worked for herself, making odds and ends -- she didn't have the typical terrible college job. I found her understandable, and yet a little melodramatic. Probably a bit how outsiders interpret me...

That part was: perhaps about my roommate, AKA the love of my life. In this new housing situation, I feel afraid (a little) of losing him. Of a higher power taking us away from each other. Of some unknown forces tearing us apart.

And I admired the girl: she was an entrepreneur. She called the shots. She was a serious thinker. At 24, she was probably experiencing being older than many of her fellow students.

Three walls and a curtain. I'm protected, but not as much as I'd like to be. It's the emotional ties to other human beings I'd like. Emotional protection.

No, not even that. I know I'll have emotions. I just don't know if they'll be interpreted, sympathized with, eased by anyone else's doing whatsoever. I need friends.

10:10 pm - Friday, Jul. 31, 2015


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