backyard crowing



Apparently I now have 994 entries.


I'm up at the lab again, late.

I can't seem to respond to this email that I'm afraid to respond to.

The free internship editor wants to know where I am on the story I was assigned.

She emailed me yesterday, and I haven't gotten back to her yet.

I am afraid. That I won't come up with something good enough, that I'm late in submitting my stuff, that I'll never start. And I'm afraid TO start. I'm afraid to email her back. What if I suck? What if she hates me, or is angry?

Some of this is irrational.

I just don't want to fail.

"I don't want to die, I want to live." This has been my mantra for the past several days. I say it in my head all the time.

It's no longer so much about suicide, but about living a successful life.

I told R my mantra, and he said, "Sounds crazy." Well, and I am crazy. I need a therapist. Anyway.

I drink too much caffeine.

I have this app on my phone called Calm, which provides free guided meditation tracks of varying lengths. It reminds me each day to meditate by asking, "Have you had your Calm today?"

Today I saw that and thought, "No, no I have not."

I think it's time to gather the things I've done today and be proud of them, so I can go to sleep:

-emailed VR prof
-worked on VFX HW
-emailed TA for audio
-emailed housing job back
-went to all of my classes
-took a break for some video games (weird self-care)
-had a salad for lunch
-drank lots of water
-only had 3 caffeinated things (that's an improvement)
-got the lab codes again

I think I need to reply to the editor's email and apply to the library page position to feel good about myself. And go to sleep. Otherwise? Not quite enough done today.

I can still do this. I can still be proud of myself today.

I. Am. Awesome!

1:44 am - Wednesday, Mar. 02, 2016


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