backyard crowing
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lady gloria and claims of nearly bought flowers
R and I talked out the stuff from the last post, and I think it went fairly well, in the end. I have nothing to worry about, he says.
He said, "for the record, I don't mind if you look at scantily clad/naked men or women on the internet."
I get it. There's a double standard. There always is when it comes to women's issues, so perhaps it's not a problem the other way around?
But it's not the same - he doesn't care if I look at these images, but I care if he looks at them.
I fully acknowledge that I'm hypocritical. I'm wrestling with my values. Approaching 30 doesn't change that.
I had a friend of a friend in college who hung all manner of posters of nude/nearly nude guys all throughout her room -- it was a real treasure trove, not to mention a pretty uncomfortable place to hang, upon first glimpse. Her theory: "Hell, they objectify US -- so I'm doing it to them." Did the men she dated care at all about these images, staring them in the face?
Is her technique a way to win the "gender battle?" Should we fight dirty? Or does it widen the divide?
I don't know. I know it feels triumphant to win, especially when passion is involved.
What would Gloria Steinem do? Dress up like a Playboy Bunny? I don't have that option, or inclination, either. Seems counterintuitive to our cause. Still, I'm glad she did it. Muckrake away, lady genius.
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Lately I've taken to following all of the dumb things Drumpf says. It's frightening and hilarious at the same time.
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R and I had another argument today, this one smaller, but it's a recurring one. He can't seem to empathize with any plight I have, and sees things without ever FEELING anything.
There's healthy emotional detachment, and then there's being completely out of touch, like he is. I told him I wished we had more in common, and he said, "but then we'd both be crazy," which I should have attacked, but didn't think to.
What's so insidious about him is that he cannot relate to anything in my life, and doesn't think he should have to.
I told him that's okay, I have friends for that. He said, "you can talk to me," but I definitely cannot. He has proved that over and over.
Normal couples have deep conversations, mutual interests, dates, laughs. We just feel like roommates who occasionally fuck. I know he means well, but it's not enough.
I settled a long time ago on simply not sharing my deepest thoughts with him, but it still bothers the fuck out of me. I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- I don't believe in emotional cheating.
I wonder if he goes elsewhere for emotional fulfillment? It seems unthinkable, because he almost never has a strong emotion, so why would he need to share one?
I can't understand wanting to play video games and smoke weed for an entire two weeks. That's how long he has off for his school's Spring Break. There's no death in the family, no emotional trauma, he just doesn't have other interests.
When I suggested rollerskating, he asked, "so, that means we would need to buy rollerskates, and those are pretty expensive, right?" No, idiot, you rent them! He knows this. He just doesn't want to take me on a proper date, or rollerskate.
He suggested a free concert sometime this week. Okay sure, but seriously? I'm not even worth the price of a cheap concert ticket?
I take myself on dates, because I'm worth it. I'm not afraid to pamper myself every once in awhile. So I'll be fine on my own, I just wish he would step up. Saying "I thought about buying you flowers today" doesn't actually buy the flowers, asshole.
10:50 pm - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2016
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