backyard crowing


g.i. joe

For those of you that have sent me super sweet notes, I apologize that I haven't responded to them yet. I will soon.

I'm in some mental pain right now, and it's hard to know where to begin, exactly.

I'm just not sure R is the man I still want to marry. Emotionally, we are just so, so different.

I'm not happy with myself geographically, physically, career-wise, or socially. It's just a lot, to be so angry with yourself for so many reasons. And also, to have no one to really talk with about it. Because he doesn't "get" it. He doesn't understand that self-hatred isn't a switch I can just turn off. For him, I guess it's a switch? It's bizarre.

I'm going to try hard to turn it off. I think I will need some help though.

And on that note, saying to a person who hates herself, "hey, just don't hate yourself," is rather pointless. They need encouragement, and an ear. At least I think that's what I need.

He's not very passionate, and here I am, SUPER passionate. I have enough passion for the two of us, and then some.

Part of my issues stem from not having real life friends, and adjusting to post-college life. I didn't really have friends that I hung out with outside of class, but at least I had people I saw often who were open to interacting.

Part of this is not wanting to live anywhere near Texas, and our lease needing to be re-signed. It's stressful to go sign documents when I don't even want to live here...but I definitely don't have money to move out, and neither does he. It feels like a trap. The majority of my old co-students are moving to LA...

And of course, part of this about possibly wanting to break up with him, which I can't really talk to him about. I could, but it would make him miserable and possibly difficult to live with.

But, those feelings are there, and I can't just talk to a wall about them anymore. Inside wants out, and all.

2:06 pm - Sunday, Jun. 05, 2016


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