backyard crowing


diplomas, computers, and airplanes

I just received the diploma in the mail today. It's a great feeling, like I've been given a second chance on starting the search for a real job.

I also got off the phone with dad earlier, and he's going to help me purchase an editing computer, so I can really get on a roll.

Tough to practice editing when there's no computer to practice on.

I continue to try not to hate myself, to take it one day at a time. Today I didn't get *much* done, but I did get the bare minimum, at least.

Tomorrow I work a single hour at work...a single hour. I live 30 minutes away from my workplace. The logic: I think my supervisor might give me an extra little bonus (or more privileges, etc.,) if I help her out in this way. I think she's aware that a 1 hour shift is really an inconvenience. hour's an hour. Better than no pay the whole day. (Our business has been closed for some 2 weeks while the city opens the floodgates - so people can't boat, or peruse our store.)

Last night was R's b-day, so I created a feast: homemade bread, brownies, salad, spicy scampi with noodles. And wine, of course! He said it was the best meal we'd ever made, and frankly, I think he's right.

Lately when I speak to him I want to scream. It almost doesn't matter the topic, I'm just so anxious. Either he doesn't get it, or he's going on about something boring in a bored timbre. I really don't know how he's going to teach HS. I hope they're nice to him.

Come to think of it...wonder if he'll be teaching sex ed??? Need to ask. I'll let you know any hilarious anecdotes, if they cum up.

I feel less than great about a large computer loan from my dad. I know he's doing this because he cares, and to help me start my career. Total, I have 10K of credit card debt, now 4K with dad's loan, and that doesn't even include my student loans. So ...I really am worried. I don't like borrowing. It got so out of hand with the credit card.

If you're reading this, you're probably pretty horrified. Instead of judging me though, do you have any tips for living with less, while staying happy? Particularly when it comes to getting out of the house? Because I am not my fiance. I cannot just stay inside this apartment 24/7 and be happy. I NEED to get out. I need travel to keep me sane, and I have travelled (unfortunately) very little. So far, a free thing is hiking the greenbelt, but that gets boring after awhile, too.

I often go back to the thought "I wish I wasn't a person." I honestly thought those sort of sentences wouldn't flow through my head after I graduated. I thought I'd be all done with that; surely after a degree I wouldn't be full of self-doubt, right? I thought not having a degree WAS the reason for the self-doubt. But it persists. Sometimes it's hard to believe it's mine, or of any importance.

R doesn't understand it at all...he thinks if you don't use your degree, it wasn't really worth the time or money spent, and that's a-okay. But that's not me at all - not the way I grew up, the way I think, the way I believe deeply. As my mother says, "It's something you'll never regret, something no one can take away from you."

And so of course, I dropped out. And then back in. And now I'm out again? It's bizarre. I need to love myself more. Why is it so hard? Shouldn't it be in human nature to love the hell out of ourselves -- wouldn't it better keep us alive?

I'll tell you this about myself:

-I had a really terrible, actively DIScouraging professor

-I went on to get an editing internship

-I went on to get certification in Avid

-I went on to graduate

So that professor? I've already proved him dead wrong: twice. I'm not giving up, and I will not give up. He can really go fuck himself.

Sometimes I think about buying a copy of the book Big Magic, then putting it in his teacher mail box. There's a part of me who really doesn't want to hate him, who wants to end things on a positive note. I don't want to hold these feelings of anger. I want to live on, with or without him anywhere near my life. It's probably best if he's not around me in any form.

When a post from him comes up in my FB feed, I get angry at him, it's a huge emotional trigger for me. But if I quit his FB group, that's a network I'm no longer part of. I won't get updates on new positions. He'll either think I don't like him, or that I've given up editing. NEITHER is acceptable to me. I want him to know my name, and know that he couldn't keep me down.

The main issue I have with him: he made me think I couldn't do it. I imagine it's because he's hurting. But it's still not fair.

Meanwhile I also dream of becoming a flight attendant, which R (naturally) discourages. He says they line you up, it's like acting, and it's demeaning, and why would I want to go through all that?

First of all, he overestimates the difficulty to some extent -- and exaggerates it, so I don't go away. Secondly, he grossly underestimates what I will put myself through to travel for a living.

7:45 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 08, 2016


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