backyard crowing


depression, therapy, impostor syndrome

Up all night again.

It really is lonely, and I'm tired, and I don't even like myself anymore. There doesn't seem a reason to keep going.

I feel lost, like I don't know which side is up and which down.


I life. Was it ever really normal, or did I just dream it? Was I ever happy? Is it like R mentioned once, that maybe I don't want to be happy?

I realized recently that while playing this new video game, I was annoyed with myself for not being further along at this point. I assumed everyone else was ahead of me who has attempted this game, that I was somehow "behind" in the quests and such.

(This game is highly achievement-based, and really so is my life.)

In therapy, I discussed having the same feeling of stuntedness in real-world scenarios. I told her that sometimes I felt it was too late for me.

She said that a lot of people feel that way. And it wasn't trite, the way she said it. It wasn't the "you're not alone" line, it was genuine.

It's shocking to think about most of the world out there thinking individually that they're doomed, that the best is behind them, and they'll never amount to anything. That is a serious self-esteem problem. The idea of it affecting the masses is pretty scary, really.

Like, whose hands are we in, anyway? The Trumps of the world? Fuck that.

Anyway, back to therapy:

We talked about rewriting our stories, about looking at things a different way.

My homework was to do something for myself this week, to do a hobby of some sort, something I wanted to do. I want it to be something more healthy than sitting in front of a computer, though. I feel like I can't do that anymore without guilt.

But maybe that's the key -- I absolve myself of guilt from the computer-spent "me time," and then feel better, because I've done my assignment.

I did listen to an excellent podcast by a fellow improviser, and I think that helped. It was about Impostor Syndrome, and perfectionism, and my gosh, every episode makes me feel like I'm chilling with my gals, even though I don't have any.

It's actually an excellent distraction...I do feel less alone when I listen to their chitchat.

And gosh dangit, they talk about interesting things. It's nothing that R and I would wax on about. And I know there are things he might want to get into that just don't phase me at all.

That was another takeaway from therapy: like I had thought before, I realized that I'm relying on R a LOT for probably 97% of my social and emotional needs. And completely of course, in the sexual sense.

That means A LOT of pressure on him. It means that if he isn't quite aware of what I need, or is tired, or doesn't know how to respond to the things I might say, then he's my only lifeline. My support system is 1 person outside of myself right now.

And that needs to change. No amount of this video game or even the best podcast ever will suddenly make things okay if I don't have friends.

One last thing, again -- I said I would make a list of the things I've done right lately.

- Ordered shoes online for interviews. I took a necessary step towards finding a job.

- Looked at the job search website. - Soon, I will ask if I can access it for a few months longer, because why NOT ask?

- Texted my boss @ the marina about an event she needed to know about

- Got a free tee and cap from the owner of the store just because (what a nice dude)

- Got a little done on the trailer

- Didn't get a parking ticket the other day!

- Got my laundry done yesterday (it's a beautiful feeling)

- Paid as many bills as I possibly could, given the money I had (I made the best out of a bad situation.)

- Eating healthy

- Drinking more water

- I'm about to go treat myself to a bath, because it relaxes me, and I feel comfortable in my own skin when I bathe -- more than any other time. I'm so, SO happy I realized this, because now I can better unlock that feeling.

- I want to be a person in this world. There is still a place for me.

6:11 am - Monday, Oct. 03, 2016


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