backyard crowing


'coming out' as depressed

When you "come out" as a depressive to someone who believes psychology is brainwash --

that is the hardest coming out of them all.

This was with my roommate, whose ex wife was a hack therapist who committed suicide by opting into a $25K yoga and meditation retreat instead of chemo.

It's strange...over and over lately, I encounter people who really don't understand mental health at all.

So odd! I really thought people were more enlightened.

Like people of color who get irritated by the same thing, I rarely want to teach the people who get it wrong. It's exhausting. And they won't see my point and accept it as truth anyway. So, what's the point in fighting? They're ignorant, and they wish to stay that way.

Maybe when I'm feeling healthier I'll tell them what's what. I guess I just assume that people stay ahead of the curve regarding mental health issues out of curiosity like I do.

Today I learned a couple of things:

My friend Lina the composer thinks I'm not in a dark hole. She doesn't see my pain, because I've been very good at hiding it from her.

(Either that, or I'm no good at hiding, and she's no good at seeing.)

She showed me this video about empathy and sympathy, narrated by Brene Brown:

I think I'm too empathetic. And the people I've met in this city, they have been too sympathetic. No one knows who I really am here. Except maybe R, but he's not around, and doesn't seem to have emotions, like most people here.

So I (against my own advice) told my roommate I was depressed, when he asked what he should tell my mother if she calls.

I need to help myself, and reach out for help. It's funny that it's so difficult.

When we create a culture that says it's not okay to have feelings, we're killing people slowly... everyone has feelings, even R. Bottling them up is no good, and showing your cards is considered weak. But to be vulnerable shows strength and bravery.

1:28 am - Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2018


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