backyard crowing


the guy in texas

I saw a first and name on a list somewhere, I think at work.

It was "Iago R."

As in, Iago's name, and then R's.

I am one confused lady.

Corpse Bride is a movie I watched with Iago a few weeks ago.

I wonder if he was trying to say something, with that as the pick for that night's viewing. We root for both female love interests in this movie, they each have sympathetic stories.

I wish I had an antidepressant.

Iago said he had a crazy dream about me. This was the plot:

We were at a party, drinking and dancing. He passed out on a couch. I wandered upstairs with some people into a room.

He woke up, and found me. There were two guys, and two girls, and me. He said, "Did you sleep with them?" I was out of it, and drunk, and nodded. He said, "Did you sleep with all of them?" I nodded again. He was upset, and then left the party.

I didn't know what to say exactly when he told me this. I said that wasn't happening, I definitely wasn't sleeping with a bunch of people.

He then had the courage to ask if I was seeing other people. I said no, only the guy in Texas, but he's in Texas. I didn't mention that the weekend prior, R had come to visit.

It's always stressful when R comes to visit. But then again, I feel some stress when spending time with Iago, too.

I stress that R will find out, because I'm not sure if I want him to.

I stress that Iago will be unhappy with me... for any number of reasons. He's fairly picky, and can be hard to be around. He's a frat boy, I'm a feminist. We're an odd pairing, to be sure. I never would have gone after him if R had moved to California with me.

I cannot wait to get a car. I have felt so powerless without one. I want some security. Some assuredness. I want to cuddle and hug.

At night, I hug my big stuffed dog, a filler for a partner or an actual dog. I listen to my meditation app, and you know what? It works. I'm starting to feel a peace.

I will get through this.

Z, you will get through this.

9:49 pm - Thursday, Nov. 08, 2018


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