backyard crowing


better days, and Jesus the gay

It has been since mid July that I last spoke or communicated with Iago. I am the better for it.

He was trouble.

Tonight I am doing self-care, rather than going to a networking event. Whether he's there or not, I really don't care.

People know he's crazy when they meet him. That's enough for me. That, and the fact that I know his true nature.

I'm glad he has given up on contacting me.

I am stronger than I seem.

I am also realizing that when it seems that I may have a close female friendship boiling up, I almost immediately shut that person out. It's a strange affectation. But it's not just a California thing, this has been going on for years.

With Katy from my Austin days, with Lynn when I first moved here, and now? With this new girl.

Can I not just trust women? Is this because of what happened with Crystal? That was so many years ago, 2012.

But then, I don't imagine I trust men any more. In fact, I think I trust them less.

But I have lower expectations for men. I don't believe that I can be close with them, I suppose.

I can be attracted and have sex, but real friendship? I'm not sure. So I expect less, and they are there, at their level, and I become friends with them. Because I don't expect them to be particularly excellent or kind. Because they're men.

It's an interesting kind of sexism.

R surprised me by being so excellent. And then I fell in love.

Speaking of sexism in strange places, my coworker Jesus is sexist, despite being gay.

He's incredibly impatient -- much like Iago -- and yells at women driving in cars. I can tell he has had bad relations with women, and that he resents them. But he may always have resented them. He is jealous that they get treated a certain way, a more gentler way. He resents having to "cater" to them, when really, they're just fine on their own.

(Fun Fact: some of these women are me.)

Being a "gentleman" is complicated.

Jesus used to date women, but says he is more comfortable with men now.

We're on the same side, mostly. He wants to be a teacher/father figure, but that doesn't sit well with me. For we are both PAs.

He says that people have approached him, wanting to give him gigs - in exchange for sex. Holy shit, dude.

He doesn't sell his ass, he says. And I believe him, on that point. I believe he is around age 36 or so, but he won't disclose. I thought he was younger than me.

One thing that does stay with me: "the fact that you're stressed shows you care."

That does sate me, when I'm feeling the whirlwind.

So thank you for that advice, Jesus. Among everything, you're a good egg.

7:13 pm - Saturday, Sept. 21, 2019


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