backyard crowing


breaking down (and through) at chik fil a

A couple of things...

I was discussing with the Doctor about the Creg breakup, and how part of the reason for the end involved him not thinking I was authentic enough.

Doc said, "maybe he didn't believe you were as nice as you are."

That makes sense. Creg tended to not believe people's kindnesses. That tracks.

People tend to see me as naive. But I'm not, not really. Just open minded.

But even with Rick, I have set boundaries, and he has adhered to them. He may stay at my place for a couple of weeks, but I won't be lending him money.


A couple of nights ago I was facetiming with Rick, who is in Missouri and trying to get back to Los Angeles.

I still haven't told him about R, and I'm not sure if I will.

He said, "I'm a mess. I don't like being a mess like this."

I told him I was a mess, too. But he doesn't realize what kind of a mess.

Bankruptcy is pretty messy too, though. I feel for him.

I can't believe he guessed I was engaged... I denied it, of course. Some four on the enneagram, eh? Some authentic four...

But Rick did say he was excellent at reading people. So there you go.

After our facetime conversation, I drove to Chik-fil-a and totally went against my vegan diet. Meat, cheese, a milkshake... I cried, ate the fast food, and cranked my roommate's livestream as I drove down Ventura Boulevard.

I cried because once again, I'm stuck in the web. I can keep lying to Rick, or not. But whatever way things go with him, it seems impossible that we can be a thing. I'm not even sure I'd want that -- but I want at least the opportunity to try.

I went to the Tarzana Chik-Fil-A. I still can't go to Tarzana...Creg lives there, and it was absolutely part of the breakdown.

I'm glad at least that I can identify that as emotional eating. That's clear.


I wonder if the doctor has lost interest. One of his last messages ended with "take care," which reminds me of the last time I spoke with Creg, during the breakup.

I hope eventually I can read or hear the phrase "take care" and not be triggered.


I think that R is listening to me when I say things that sound like the end of our relationship. But he doesn't believe me.

He doesn't believe I will leave him. And why wouldn't he? I haven't, not ever, not in 8 years.

But he doesn't have me pegged, does he? No, he doesn't.

When he visited, he mentioned, "your hangups about Texas." I told him no, they weren't hangups, I just didn't want to live there -- not then, not now, not ever.

It's not a hangup to not want to live somewhere.

8:54 pm - Monday, Jan. 04, 2021


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