backyard crowing



It hit me recently that my platonic cuddle buddy (Andy) is a friend.

Not like a friend that you say, "oh, that's a person I vaguely know," but an actual friend.

Everyone is my "friend," unless they are a significant other or an enemy.

Perhaps I need to migrate that notion. I could be either a little more picky about who my friends are --

Or, be honest that some people are ACTUAL friends, and others are just acquaintances.

There's something childlike about assuming that everyone is your friend.

It's enlightened too, though.

Andy took the Enneagram test at my suggestion. He's a 1 wing 9, with the one-to-one (sexual) variant. He's not sure about 9 as a wing, and thinks his wing may actually be a 6.

I'm a 4 wing either 7 or 3, and also one-to-one.

Andy mentioned that your variant is the thing you have the most trouble with in life, which is fascinating. It means that our love lives will be challenging, as will our "bestie" friendships.

He is also not ready to be in a relationship. He's suffered from anorexia -- at age 13. He suffered some form of abuse, but didn't say what form. He had alcoholism, but hasn't had a drink in years.

It's so nice to have a friend, period. It's even more special that this is a man, and we're not sexual. There's something very sacred about that. And, it rejects the notion that men and women can't be friends.


Tomorrow I may get to spend time with the Doc! He's 10 days now without an orgasm, I think.

It will be nice to see him again, when it happens. He's back at work, and things are slow thus far.

His chest hair is a soft, warm, beautiful carpet. I can't wait to lay my head on it next. He too is like a refuge!

Maybe all the men in my life are refuges. What does that say about me, then? Am I a refuge for them, too? What are we all hiding from? There must be connective tissue there, even though our reasons differ.

Surely we all just need a break from the world, even when nothing is "wrong," per se.

I think of buying a gun and ending it all more often these days than I would like. I searched CL for a gun today.

My symptoms are definitely more than 2 weeks old, probably a few months old. No wonder Creg didn't want to keep seeing me, I was a sinking ship. Maybe it's time to see a therapist.


Andy said that some of my strengths in the workplace are my sweetness and nice calming voice.

He said, "my BINS make WINS," haha!

He said that during one interview, he straight up told the interviewer, "I'm the best at what I do."

Just believe you're the best, lead with that confidence. He also said, "it's not lying, it's confidence." Beautifully put.


I saw a long YouTube full of TikToks today, and in it there was a young guy who criticized people for making fun of a person's laugh, smile, or voice. Because when you do that, then they won't laugh, smile, or talk. "Let people be HAPPY for god's sake!"

As he spoke, I realized that when he broke up with me, Creg didn't like my high voice, and didn't like that I smiled so much. I was self conscious for awhile after that about my voice and smile.

But Andy likes it. R likes it. I think the Doc likes it, too.


I realized recently that my affinity for outerwear stems from a time when I didn't have enough of it. I was in LA, coatless, and couldn't afford a new one. (The other got lost on the bus.)

It was pretty miserable.

And now here I am, more or less outfitted for the winter. Now I'm just looking for an electric blanket, of all things.

I've come a long way.

12:02 am - Monday, Jan. 11, 2021


lovesounds - futuresex


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