backyard crowing


this here is a title

I don't feel too well.

R's aunt has died and I have contemplated reaching out to him. Either on text or via email.

I cuddled with my photographer cuddle buddy last weekend. That was rejuvenating.

I have therapy today, thank God.

Last night I went to karaoke and saw an old fling, who is often at that bar. His name is Andy.

I sang a few songs -- These Boots Were Made For Walking, Mmmbop, Jumpin' Jumpin', and I think one other?

I was fairly drunk.

I went to another bar with Andy after the karaoke, and then we went back to his place and cuddled.

In the morning we made out more, and fingered each other. I told him no sex without a condom. We didn't end up having sex, but it wasn't a bitter exchange, either. I hope he didn't think I would loosen my boundary if sex didn't seem like it would happen.

He seems like a good egg. But ultimately... he wasn't into me before, so I don't imagine he's into me now.

There was a photo booth at the bar, and he paid for us to get photos.

I hung the photo strip on my wall for a bit, and then took it down, rethinking the idea.

It's proof that I have a friend, which makes me feel better somehow.

Nick continues to try to get me into bed with him. Over 2 weeks since the breakup, and he's still trying this shit. Doesn't he feel hurt every time I reject him?

Then again... my mother once wrote me, "Dudes don't think much about rejection. They just check to see if they get a yes."

This is super bizarre to me.

He says he's taking a trip out east, and going to sleep in his car. He will sell or give away all his stuff. He won't have to pay rent anymore. He has sold all his stock options.

Then he'll return to CA and get his associate's degree.

I wish men were more trustworthy. I feel I am losing trust in them.

Today I read an article where a woman wrote that midway through protected sex, the guy would remove the condom. Some believe this to be rape, and I agree.

I could literally have HSV. Andy didn't even ask when the last time I was tested. It was just a, 'are you on birth control?' And that was it.

Don't they understand that protection is for BOTH parties?!?!

I feel sick, sad, and tired.

I really hope I can cuddle with photographer cuddle buddy this weekend. I need a friend, a real one. Nick is just trying to get laid and also wants me back. Andy mostly wants to get laid, but I do like his personality. Cuddle buddy is really the only nice one. He doesn't want me romantically, but we have a nice bond anyway. And he's too picky about who he dates, he may never find his sweetheart because of it.

3:23 pm - Monday, Apr. 18, 2022


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