backyard crowing



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no musicians, no jews, no angelenos

So, I'm reading that it's important to be sad a little at first, when you get rejected.

He seemed so nice and sweet. Funny, and I loved touching him.

He was a bit insecure about his body, too. I found that charming.

His lips tasted very strange (bad) at first, but later we got into a groove.

His beard and hair were nice and soft. He was goofy and sarcastic.

I really had hoped that we would go out after that night, one on one, to get to know each other better.

He seemed like he held a lot of promise, but then it turns out, held none at all.

I had even hoped maybe he would ask his friends for my number.

What were the signs?

- he tried to push me into sex on night 1
- he fell asleep immediately after our encounter
- he didn't say goodbye in the morning, was still "asleep," but I doubt it
- the slowness to respond to my insta message
- the fact that he viewed my insta story before responding to me

If nothing else, I'm learning the signs.

The sad thing is, we really did have things in common. It's not as though I would have been dating someone far more attractive or more accomplished than myself, or vice versa. We'd have been on a reasonably similar playing field.

He was insecure about not having had official schooling. But he has accomplished a lot.

He admired that I was working on a big show.

Sometimes the people without schooling fight the hardest and go the furthest.

Ultimately I would have been jealous of him, I feel. He's a very popular person, he knows many people.

I just wish that either he would have been into me, or we had maybe just cuddled and made out, and left it at that. The rest of it really wasn't necessary.

Part of me feels very done with dating at the moment.

I am sad. Just sad.

Last night I spontaneously met up with the leader of our [email protected]@am group.

His name is [email protected], and I like him. I don't think he necessarily has feelings back...but maybe.

We're just talking -- if that.

I'm in charge of finding someplace for us to go do karaoke sometime this week.

The idea makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't want to see Jakob, or [email protected], or any of that group. Because it would just make me sad about Jakob.

I wonder if he is dating [email protected], whom everyone falls in love with, man or woman.

I really like her company, but I just can't hang if she's dating him.

I feel sick, sad, tired. Left out, an outcast. I feel ugly and untalented next to these people.

SCHMUCK. He's a jewish schmuck, that's all.

And schmuck means penis. #yiddish

Maybe this has been my mistake. Maybe jewish men are not where it's at. I've already determined that angelenos and musicians are no gos. Maybe I need to add jewish men to the list.

I don't like that I'm this torn over what is essentially a one night stand.

I want to redirect my focus, it's just hard to do so.

Music might help. I will try that.

It's okay to be angry. I have reason to be. Aside from trying to push me into sex, he's not really being honest with me. I don't want to date a dishonest terrible communicator, anyway. So he really is a loser.

I think this is an important thing to remember -- it's okay to be angry.

I guess when you mourn a rejection, you're mourning what could have been.

Like mourning a child, in that way.

Why does it hurt? Ugh.

2:23 pm - Tuesday, May. 31, 2022
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