backyard crowing
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the crying i've been doing
so it's finally december! today was world AIDS day. that's SIDA in french.
what a world. i just returned from seeing "Garden State", I had not seen that movie in an awfully long time. you know, i'm pretty sure i documented seeing the film in this very journal. makes me wish i could cry.
speaking of crying the last time i did it was sunday. grandma and grandad and mom were leaving, they had given their hugs and started to get back into the car and i don't know what came over me. i guess it's just that i knew i was back to my stress and loneliness. plus i was alive and on only two hours of sleep. i couldn't sleep the night before, i think i was piddling around on the internet.
so i came back into my room as fast as i could, it was about ten thirty or so then. i just sobbed away like some big baby, it was great. i'm so glad just about no one had returned to campus. few people saw me cry, i could do it freely. what a release. i wish i could cry more often. i guess i miss home more than i think. or something, anyway. and then there was saturday morning. or afternoon, i should say. i had stayed up the night before (again, piddling away at the internet) and slept in till 12:30; yes, a half hour later than noon. mom came in and told me if i wanted we could go clothes shopping later that day if i wanted, since she and i both know i gained weight. it was not until later that day that i finally got a chance to jump on the scale in her bathroom, and discovered i had gained ten pounds. i never use the scale when she's around, only when she's out somewhere and i'm home alone. i guess she would be angry, but probably not. the idea of her bursting in on me weighing myself is unbearable. good God. i've been saying that a lot lately, too. why? why do i take the Lord's name in vain? it's not his fault. nothing's really his fault.
so anyways, back to that morning at half past noon. she was so sweet about it all, careful to not make me feel bad or anything, perhaps that was just it. she was crazy nice. or maybe i was just looking for a reason to cry. i had plenty of sleep that day. still i blamed the tears on the typical "i'm tired" bit, but i had just woken up. oh, but i was tired. tired inside.
and i'm pretty sure i wasn't PMSing, as i haven't started yet. and this is a week ago.
i think we both understood that i wouldn't want to go shopping later that day, and of course we didn't. i busied myself with homework, and when she came in from running errands and caught me looking at her magazines she didn't get mad that i wasn't "en train d'etudier" the entire day like perhaps i implied. sometimes i think maybe she has programmed me to love only her. she is my closest friend, but sometimes i wonder if that doesn't hinder me in some way. like maybe i shouldn't be so close with my mom. but really, i'd much rather be too close than too far. not everyone has a good home life, and for that i am thankful. perhaps this closeness is one of those "weird--but in a good way" kind of situations.
and then i had a dream last night--no, this afternoon when i napped. that's a new thing for me too. napping, i mean. during the dream i think i was in France, and an ice cream shop (or it might have been a fast food place that offered ice cream, like DQ, but i'm not sure) had just hired me, on the spot, right after my interview. of course i knew nothing about how to make malts and whatnot, but i found myself behind the register alone, while my new boss trained the others in the back of the store. they were having their first day too. an old lady i've never seen before walks in and asks me in french for a certain malt thingy, and i understand her except when she says she wants three scoops of ice cream in the malt instead of the usual two. to clarify, I pointed to the bucket of ice cream and asked, "Vous voulez trois de ca?" she nodded and i then tried to figure out on my own how malts were made in this particular shop. i found the ingredients and cups well enough, and i had a little help from another newbie, and finally after some trips to the back of the store i had finished fixing her order. knowing i had taken a longer time than expected in preparing her malt, the first thing i said as i came back to the front was "je suis desolee" for taking so long. but the lady wasn't there! instead i saw my maternal grandma (in France, mind you!), who might even have been the old lady in disguise, and boy was she sore. she asked me why i had taken the job, reminding me that mom had told me to wait if i got a job offer, and check with her first to see if she couldn't get me any better position. i was livid, as was she for the first time in my life, if dreams are real lives. so she made me write a note to my now former boss who was nowhere to be found saying that i was again "desolee" for having to leave so soon, and i pinned it to the cork board. we walked to her car and when we got back to what i guess was mom's house she looked at my apron and funny shoes coverings and couldn't help but laugh. now THAT'S a horrible dream. that's ten times as horrible as any i-was-almost-raped or dad-is-a-vampire dream could ever be.
11:04 p.m. - 2005-12-01
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