backyard crowing
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i am not my own grandma
i can't help but think:
am i setting myself up for a life that is solely based and focused on getting ahead?
why do i think such nonsense? it's because my friends are all over the place, and yet i never keep up with them, nor do i really see a need to go out of my way contacting them. it's not that i'm lazy, or that i'm unhappy with them, or that we parted on bad terms--perhaps the reason i don't give them a ring is because they no longer mean much to me, and i know that where i'm heading (new york), they won't be a part of my life? as far as my high school friends go, most of my relationships (if that's what you would call them) are long gone. i don't sit around missing them, wishing to be back in high school. i do miss elyse, leah, erica, and kayla, and a few other things i cherished about utsa, and it pains me that my banner freshman year of college is never to return, but i know--i KNOW that in life, in the grand scheme of things, those people will not be a major part of my life, especially now that i know i'm moving far, far away. then again, i was always going to move far away. infact, new york is quite a bit closer than france.
so there's the long and short of it--i feel that i'm forever preparing for the next stage of my life, the next chapter, and i'm afraid to settle anywhere for too long. all the time, i must keep myself detatched from people enough so that i can up and relocate anytime i want. i don't want people tying me down; i can't have that.
and i'm forever postponing fostering real, long-lasting relationships with people because i know that when i settle down for real, that's when i can imbed myself into a community.
sometimes i start to think about my grandma, and how she has lived her life. she only had one job, and that was as a soda jerk when she was a teenager. grandpa always brought home the bacon, and she always fried it. as a result, she has made dozens upon dozens of friends throughout the country, and she still keeps up with them through e-mail, snail mail, and those crazy 200 or so Christmas cards that she sends out every year. to her, people are the world. but truly, i do not want to live the life she has led. i don't want anything to do with marriage until i'm nearing 30, and she married at 19. if i were on her time schedule, i'd be a wife right now. that's scary. *shudder*
i am not at all ashamed of living my life enormously differently than my grandmother, and i don't feel that i'm doing anything wrong by living the way i do. i have nothing to apologize for in this department. i will not only have a career, but i will make it grow, and i will move away. i will probably be poor at first what with college loans and an entry level job, but by golly i will make it, and by myself, without a man or anyone. of course, mom has said that she will help pay off my college loans, but that's part of her contribution. geez, as soon as she and i are financially separate, the world will be a much, MUCH better place. sianara, bitch!
my grandpa always asks me about my boyfriend when i see him, and i never give him any clues whatsoever. i NEVER admit i'm seeing anyone, even if i am. the truth is that of the times he has posed that question, only once or twice did i have a boy toy.
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"Your 20s don't really begin until you turn 21." - something i'm sure someone has said at some point. i invented this one, or so i think.
- Thursday, Jul. 06, 2006
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