backyard crowing



dad called last night. he's crazy excited about the cruise. i am afraid and argumentative.

he doesn't "get it."

i will not know until january 5th whether or not i have made it into the college. i will not know. i will not know. i will not know. what more can i do? i can study for my test, and that is all. THAT IS ALL. that's all i can do.

"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."

-Lewis Carroll


my mother doesn't want anyone to know she's in therapy. she did not wish to tell me initially, but chose to later for some reason.

she wouldn't want dad to know. if i were her, i wouldn't, either.


if i could see anyone i hadn't seen in years this very minute, i would see...nevermind. who cares about friends of the past? i'm into silver friends, now.

my friend abby is such a sweet person. i love when people will just talk away, and before you know it they're thanking you, when you were enjoying their words from the beginning, and feel the need to thank them instead.

my roommate anya is equally sweet, and i hope she can make it through the rest of the semester alright.

ray is a great friend, too. i hope he's well.


i hope ray is just a friend. i think maybe he was asking me out the other day, but i can't tell.

wow diary, how many times have you heard this one? about ten, i know.

i don't like him in a romantic way, but i still feel a connection to him. i like listening to him, and he enjoys the opportunity to speak about his past and how he's feeling. i certainly learn from him; but he is an elder. yes, at age 26, ray is my elder. if he acted a bit younger, i would not feel this way. he is not too mature for me; i simply need to date a happier person. i am an optimist/realist, and he is a pessimist. i cannot live with a person as such. i can befriend him, sure, and i want to--but no more.

he says he doesn't believe in truth, or love, or light, or God. i would like to say, "look at your resume, what feelings you may have for me, the lamp over there, and your very existence." i know right well that kind of response would never suffice. i would like him to have hope, because even in these dark times, i can cling to it.

if a person could choose to have hope, why wouldn't he?

if there was a way to transcend life on earth in the afterlife, why NOT believe?

3:31 pm - Tuesday, Dec. 12, 2006


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