backyard crowing


DON'T wait by the phone!

It's not a dance; it's a game.

Guys always complain about how they have to do all the work, they "have" to do the asking. We women only have to say "yes" or "no," men say.

I've come to the conclusion that girls suck at asking guys out because they're not accustomed to it, and guys REALLY suck at turning girls down, because they're not accustomed to it...and they're scared shitless, so they become veritable assholes.

Dinner? Yeah, right. Mom says guys say things like that to stroke their ego--and not to take them seriously. Sometimes they follow through, she says, but most of the time they're just saying it for themselves.

What a load of crap! Since when does "I'm going to take you out for a nice dinner" translate to, "God, I'm SUCH a great guy?!"

Men are truly warped.

I wish he would just call me...but then, I don't. If he wanted to be with me, he would have contacted me by now.

Apparently we have to make men "think it's their idea," according to dad. I haven't the faintest on how to do that, so maybe I'll never be in a relationship!

One month "relationships" are all I've ever been in, and I think I'm destined for many more.

I mean, I WANT to kiss a lot of frogs, otherwise I'm never going to be sure whether or not I have Charming.

That's not to say I expect a perfect man at all!

Just a "good" one.

All men are not bastards, but a great majority of them seem so.

But then supposedly when they meet "Mrs. Perfect" (who ALWAYS has a stunning physique, by the way,) they become angels.

I need that book "Why Men Love Bitches." I think it would comfort me.

morning-ish - Monday, Dec. 03, 2007



I don't usually like to take from other nonsense on the internet, but the following passage really comforted me the other day, and my entries lately have been quite depressing and angry.

Here's where it originally came from.

So how can you tell if you’ve had an orgasm? Most people would probably respond by saying “you’ll know when you’ve had one”. This always sounds a little condescending to me though, and if you’ve never had one, how could you know?

Instead I would just ask you whether or not the sex play you’re having is pleasurable. Does it feel good? Does it feel like something you want to do more? Are there times during sex when you want to say or do something but you hold yourself back? Holding back is one way you might be reducing the pleasure you’re feeling, including orgasms.

Trying to figure out if you’ve had an orgasm can also be a dead end, because if you’ve had one, does that mean you stop exploring other ways of feeling good or having orgasms? It’s a cliché, but a true one, that sex is about the journey not the destination. Focusing on orgasm is like driving down a one way street that stops at the river. If you focus instead on sexual pleasure, on how you respond and what you can feel, you don’t have to stop at the river bank; you get to jump in the river and float with the current, and you never know where you’ll end up.

nighttime - sunday, Dec. 02, 2007



the more i think about his sorry ass, the less i think of him.


that sentence was JACKED UP!

but seriously, i think of how he said he was going to take me out to a nice dinner, and then of his calls, which became shorter and shorter, and how we kept meaning to meet.

all i can think is, "oh, well. he was fat anyway."

and that's a terrible thing to think.

and irrational, since i'm fat as well.

his IM status is currently, "Fuck it." Well, boo hoo. I am NOT messaging you to find out why you're mad. That is YOUR shit, not mine. i'm glad the world is falling on top of you.

dang...and I had high hopes for this one... he was an artist!

if he wants me at all (and i'm sure at this point he doesn't), he will come to me, and i will decide what the hell to do with him. probably nothing.

"absent mindedness" as an excuse for not taking me out is crap. even absent-minded people don't forget sex.

i'm going to listen to this song, and it will all be better...

"skullcrusher mountain," by Jonathan Coulton.

afternoon - saturday, Dec. 01, 2007


biting the bullet

I believe I have forgotten why I (think) I exist. To write--I am fairly convinced that this is my calling.

Journalism is my thing, but only sometimes.

I wrote Chap's first and last name a few days ago on my arm with this pen. I was in class and panicking because I was about to tell my professor about his death. The last thing I wanted to do was forget the guy's name.

Now, days later, the ink won't come off.

This is the stuff of horror movies.



No one wants to talk about it, because no one even wants to believe it could happen, especially not to anyone they know. Even if you go to a psychologist, you're never safe, because they could easily tell authorities about your suicidal thoughts if they wished. And usually they don't want to deal with you, because if you bite the bullet, they'll get sued so badly they'll be poor for the rest of their life.

Why is suicide taboo?

Because heaven help you if you speak to someone about it and POOF he or she is gone the next day. he trouble with this theory is that people who need to talk about it cannot, and they bottle up their thoughts until they explode into thin air, shattering our innocent thoughts that they were happy, wonderful people.

Sometimes I think about the effect my young death would have on people.

Is that the definition of morbid? What does morbid mean, anyway? Is is such a bad thing after all? Is calling someone or some idea "morbid" just another way of getting him to shut up, because he's making people uncomfortable?

Sometimes I think about how I would feel if my mom died, and I start to cry. I told her this once when she said I looked upset, and she angrily replied, "Jane! That's morbid!" Just like that.

Who is to say if morbidity (is that a word?) is right or wrong? I will err on the side of right, since it boosts negative creativity and brings us such films as Harold and Maude.

I must go.

Deadly yours,



If you want to be remembered, you kill yourself young...right? They say Nirvana wouldn't have been such a memory for the world had Kobain not killed himself. Then again, there are those who say it was Love.

I don't think so, though. Love may be a bit crazy, but the people looking for another verdict seem like conspiracy theorists. That would make Abbie a conspiracy theorist.

But the more I think about it, the more that title suits her. Conspiracy is a charming (and sometimes intelligent) part of her personality; I see no fault in it.

the wee hours - friday, nov. 30, 2007


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