backyard crowing



well, victor victrola from k-town is back in my life again, oddly enough. we have our first date, first meeting, and first make out session tommorow. i am nervous, as he didn't want to drive the hour into town before, and now he's okay with it.

he said tonight that he has an appointment at the apple store tommorow morning, so i think that's part of why he wants to see me. that and he wants to make out with me, and try to get me to have sex with him. i am stuck between wanting to fall and wondering if he's genuinely interested. i'm terrified, and i need to play it cool, with a side of slight nonchalance.

he probably has every reason to believe that i adore him because of his profession, which i am studying in school. in truth, the last thing i want to talk about is my major, because last semester i failed 3 journalism courses, and it'll only bring me down.

"I don't want no one to squeeze me
They might take away my life
I just want someone to hold me
And rock me through the night."

-Tracy Chapman

-----later that day-----

i can't believe i get so worked up over these men. i'm exhausted, and all i *really* had to do today was write a quick paper and go to class. instead i did neither, and i went on a bum date. i am put out... i have no energy now to do what i need to do, i'm sweaty from my air conditioner-less car, and my head is pounding. we didn't make out, but talked about it. first came the russian place, which i couldn't find, and in the middle of his explaining the location, my cell phone went out. then there was "the hulk," a movie he didn't enjoy. after that we went for a quick ice cream and a hug goodbye. he said, "i'll call you."

he's not going to call me. all guys say that, and then they never do. if he doesn't call me, he only wanted one thing from me, and i will not tolerate a man who's not looking for a relationship, not even as a friend. if he doesn't call me, i have officially stopped talking to him.

"Evolution works because everybody dies... we are standing on a mountain of death... Anything that really sucked is dead now."

-from overheard on facebook
so maybe i don't suck so much? nah, i don't believe that for a second.


i've come to the conclusion that i hate all people everywhere. i hate my dad, i hate my mom, i hate my so-called "friends," i hate everyone except maybe my psychologist, except i hate her because she wants me to appease all of these hated, hateful people.

i'd rather die than live. this shit is intolerable.

all i want now is my freedom, my fucking independence. i can't EVER see my family when i move away. they're not worth my time in about a million and a half ways. i don't think i should have a family, either. just a husband, that'd be just fine with me. no kids to fuss with, that sounds like the life. children, they complicate things.

but really, i just want to die.

- monday, June 23, 2008


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