backyard crowing


happy birthday, blog

dear diary,

today marks the 4th birthday of your existence. every year it seems more and more apparent just how much i've changed. this year was a tough one, between my house flooding badly enough that i had to move, my dog dying, my failing several classes, losing my roommate and best friend to study abroad and graduation, telling dad about the tuition on the credit card thing, and depression taking a firm grip...and then there was matt 1, and matt 2, and marcus, who let me down for the last time.

damn, that's a lot of shit to go through in one year. that is ten pieces of heartache. mom says 2009 has to be better, since 08 was so bad. i think she's right.

but maybe i should look at the ups, for a change.

i found a great therapist and a pretty good medication.

my mom finally admitted that since i am 22, i have the option of quitting college if i want to.

i stopped getting drunk.

i supported abbie through her breakup with charles, difficult as it was.

i took a plane and saw jen, anna, and dan.

i visited a strip club and made it out alive, and with an assignment done.

i didn't use enough discretion in my sexual activities, but at least i didn't lose my virginity to a guy i didn't love or who wasn't my husband.

i got into my own apartment and learned to cook. i may have to leave it after just 3 months, but that's another story...

dad got into a nice apartment, and so i didn't have to live with him in a trailer during the summer.

i discovered the beauty and power of slam poetry.


i think my new name will be alice, but i'm looking for a third sign to tell me that i am indeed alice. i've been praying, asking what i should do, if i should rename myself, and if so, what my name should be.

here are the signs:

-i was on the plane with a girl named elise. she was a nursing student from houston, and going to lone star college. the woman next to me was an undercover cop in north tulsa. i didn't find out her name even though i wanted to; i thought perhaps she wouldn't be able to give me her name, or would be suspicious because she told me her crazy cop stories. she was a therapist before she became a cop, and did that for 8 years. she has 2 degrees and the test you take in order to counsel people one-on-one, whatever that's called. it amazes me that it took her so long to blossom into who she really wanted to be--a cop doesn't need a degree, and yet she had two. she said she always knew she wanted to be a cop. i've always known i wanted to be a writer, and i think i'm realizing more and more that this path i desperately want is something to reach for, no matter how crazy it sounds.

do i not remember timothy treadwell, my hero? the man who said, "fuck it all!" and lived joyously with grizzly bears in alaska for several years until he was attacked by one? he always, always, ALWAYS said he'd be happy to die for them. this man to the world is insane, but he is the smartest, most grounded person i can think of. he truly lived and died his dream. that's much more than most people can say about their lives.

onto the second sign, i just got carried away:

-there was a lady named alice who i met through an old friend of paul and den's. i met during the christmas light exhibit at the bible center. i almost didn't ask her for her name, because she was just 'grandma' to everyone else, but i decided not to...i was shocked when she said alice, because i was thinking of changing 'elise' to 'alice,' since i already know an 'elyse.'

i don't want to copy a name that i've already heard someone else have...unless it's my name muse, as i suppose elise the nurse was. i think i've known alices, but not well enough to make an impression of them, or to weird them out if i decided to change my name to theirs.

images of alice in wonderland come into my head, and though i can hardly remember a thing about the story, the three words alone ring well together. alice in wonderland. it's as if life is not quite the uphill battle for her. she fights to get through like everyone else, but it is a struggle that she expects, embraces, and views through the rosiest colored glasses she can muster.

alice in wonderland. her land is full of wonder...she's awestruck, her breath halted from a gasp. she exhales slowly, feeling the cool wind awaken her once dead skin. she closes her eyes as the breeze blows over. she opens them again, leaps, and flies throughout this land, admiring the greenery and savoring every moment, thankful for the chance to be alive, and to feel. she believes that despite all the pain and agony of living, the exhales of life, the spirituality of the cool outside air, and the small moments of peace make the world a place to truly live.

she winces when hurt, but smiles, too. she wouldn't have it any other way. she dusts off her shirt, looks into the sunrise, and decides she's too young not to try, to care, to thrive.


you are my alice in wonderland, and i am becoming you every day, with lively eyes anew again.

- saturday, dec. 27, 2008


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