backyard crowing



maybe andrea z. is right, maybe i am lonely and have no true close friends, only superficials. i think that now because i am dreaming of kissing someone--anyone--on the cheek, and saying, "good luck to you," or something of the sort. i just want to be close with a person, to encourage them, surprise them with a quick kiss and make their whole world stop confusedly for a moment. to be a waif, a wise, charitable, real but fantastical being. jen did that to dan when i was at their house. we were just looking at old pictures, and they came across some young photos of dan, and voila, unexpected kiss, just out of the blue. and i think they had been arguing earlier that night.

Andrea z. says i have a rich fantasy life. the other psychologist said i viewed myself as a depressed angel or a fairy of some sort.

but anyway, i do, i wish to hug someone, or just cuddle, or fall asleep in their arms, or give them an unexpected, brief kiss. i long for that closeness, that simplicity of being good to another person, that relaxed sense of self, that rare feeling of comfort that comes from accepting yourself wholly and being free to love others.

it is a human thing, being lonely. i don't know why it feels cheesy or wrong to admit that i'm lonely. i know it is a universal sentiment, but i can't help expressing it anyway. hey, that's how art is created, and art isn't cheesy. well, some of it is, but if art reflects life then life is cheesy, right?

well, life really is cheesy...and beautiful.

and there i broke three major rules:

-i used the word 'well'
-i used the word 'really'
-i used a 'be' verb

i am tired. i want to be like maude of harold and maude...she's gorgeous, despite her age. she is open to anything, a true free spirit.

"if you want to live high, live high, and if you want to live low, live low...'cause there's a million ways to go, you know that there are." - cat stevens

i can see why so many people have harold and maude as their favorite movie.

- saturday, jan. 10, 2009


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