backyard crowing



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she longs for a connection

so there's a possibility i'll be rooming with natalie next semester! it's totally weird how i can hardly remember her name sometimes. i'm sitting here at the library where i saw her a few minutes ago. she was at one computer, and i was across from her. i saw her but didn't say 'hi' because i suddenly couldn't remember her name. then i immediately ignored her because i didn't want her to know...

anyway then i resolved to say 'hi' after i was done using the computer so that in case she saw me see her she wouldn't have thought i was ignoring her.

so then she saw me a few minutes later.

long story short: she wants to move into a cheaper place after the summer's over, and well, so do i. this means i would probably see a lot of matt. this means potential drama. this means those 'bad eggs' as my dad calls them would be prominently in my life.

sadly, i do still want to make something from matt and i, i do still pine. it's idiotic. it may be just horniness, or loneliness, just a warm body to cuddle with.

it's such a wild thing, the need for affection.

i wonder what i'll think later in life when i read this. i wonder if i'll be married, and think, "what a sad soul i was," or divorced or single, armed with new knowledge or confidence or immunity to the need for affection...or still completely vulnerable in the face of this longing.

"she longs for connection," the psychology evaluation said. i can't deny it. can't deny the evaluation, and can't deny myself affection.

but i do, i go without affection. if i was getting it, i might be in matt's arms again, wasting away.

but is it wasting away if you know you won't spend your life with the person? or can two people be affectionate and know they won't be with each other for life?

would a guy even want to be affectionate if it wasn't in a life-long relationship? and by affection, i do not mean sex. i mean lying next to each other, touching each other's hair, kissing, finding comfort and peace with the knowledge that you're not alone, someone has your back, someone of the opposite sex.

could i even manage such a thing, could i agree to be affectionate with a guy and not sexual?

i just realized: i made plans to look at apartments with natalie on valentine's day. i have to dress up for matt, just in case. gah! is it a sign, that i'm looking at being regularly in matt's life again on v-day? aie.

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So I was just thinking about my GLBT lit and culture class and how I havenít spoken up at all yet. Itís partly because Iím behind in the reading, but also because Iím shy and I donít want to offend anybody. While not wanting to offend others is an admirable trait, I must suppress it a bit because of the many reasons why I should not be silent.

The reasons:

-I need to talk in class because Iím being graded on it

-I need to talk in class because Iím shy and trying to become outgoing

-I need to talk in class because I may be one of the few straight people there, and my opinion as a straight person matters, too

-I need to talk in class because it will help me to learn better

-I need to talk in class because I want to develop friendships with my classmates

- tuesday, feb. 10, 2009
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