backyard crowing


filmstock, and the last first day

So, tomorrow (or rather today) marks my last first day of school. Senior year, final semester. On graduation day, I'll be 29, so I can still say I graduated in my 20s.

I'm not sure how I feel about the day.

So far, December was rough, and January harbored mixed feelings.

I've written a resolutions list.

I'm excited, but what for? What is this degree even leading toward? I've taken stock in FILM. So what? Will anyone care?

What if I become some sort of careerwoman who never does anything creative for pay in her life? Could I honestly count that as a success story? If it paid the bills, I suppose, but that's so inauthentic. For me, anyway.

I recently attended a group meeting I found online whose focus is The Enneagram.

The Enneagram is this idea that there are 9 basic personalities. We are primarily one of the 9, but we lean on others, or "wings," in different scenarios. The tactics we use from birth onward to secure basic needs, love, happiness - are the tactics we continue to use.

So: the Enneagram shows us how we can be different, we need not stick to one way of living. It also helps to understand the people around us, how they operate, how they communicate. We can better see their motives and empathize.

Blah, blah, blah: so I'm a 4 personality type. We 4s are full of emotion, creativity, passion, empathy, and we want to find meaning. That meaning could be our life purpose, our authentic identity, or the meaning of life in general. We 4s are wont to focus so much on emotions that we find it difficult to move forward. This could mean getting started on a project, finishing a project, or just keeping a ball rolling.

Being a 4 is deep, apparently.

Once, when I was in high school, my mother told me, "You know, there are some people who never think about the bigger picture, why we're here. They just don't, it doesn't cross their minds." I interpreted this as a comment that I was one of these people. But now I see it was the opposite. She always said I liked to reflect.

1:41 am - Tuesday, Jan. 19, 2016


lovesounds - futuresex


about me