backyard crowing


xm radio considerations

12/27/2004 3:34 AM
Listening to: Ocean’s Avenue, by Yellowcard
(or is it Ocean Avenue? O well…)
Isn’t it a great song? I got the cd for Christmas and I just love it. I also got money from my uncle, and I’m thinking about buying an XM receiver with it. …but I’m not sure he (or my parents) would be cool w/it. As it is, neither of them know how much he gave me, and my mom doesn’t know what he gave me. I’m definitely going to the JEW concert, though—part of the money will go to a ticket to that. I think I’m officially—probably—perhaps definitely a freak. What is with me? I’ve never been like this with any other guy. I won’t see him now for a few months. I haven’t seen him in many months. I doubt the guy even remembers me—and my feelings for him are illegal now, anyway, in two senses. I’m hoping one of them won’t get in the way. I have these daydreams about him, that I see him somewhere unexpected. It’s a crazy thought that one of my reasons for wanting to be at UT is him. I highly doubt he’ll go near there. Good grief, why is he who he is? I feel like Juliet. I suppose the classic story is the most romantic. A love you can’t have is the love you want the most. And then, of course, if you do end up somehow getting that love, you make the impossible possible, giving hope to others. Are we impossible?
Why heart and soul? Why did he want to lag behind? What about his water shoes and my flip flops? I still have those platforms, but I don’t wear them anymore because something gooey was spilt on them. But I still have the things. Why did I save him from drowning? What about the businesslike manner in which I shook his hand? Why Harry Potter? Why Sega? Why Orbitz gum? The Red Hot Chili Peppers? The piece of paper I found? I still have that crazy paper, I don’t think I’ll ever throw it away.
I think I have made a total fool of myself. I really do. He doesn’t like me. Or he doesn’t want to. Hence the “I want to meet girls who go to your school” comment. Good grief.
What is wrong with me?
I’m exhausted, that’s what.

And then when I was in France…Mr. Swisher seeing me write to him. I can’t believe he came looking for me! Just because I’m seventeen and in a foreign country doesn’t mean I can’t handle myself. Oh, well. I know he was just concerned. I remember watching tv and being enthralled by a French version of The Bachelor.

Why did I feel—why do I feel like this about someone who simply can’t be with me?
I guess I want the impossible.
But that’s just the thing—it’s not exactly impossible. In about two years, he’ll be of age (and I’ll be of drinking age), and if he’s willing to jump the whole family hurdle, than who knows? But then there’s the long distance relationship hurdle, too. There’s always something. What would everyone say? Is he even interested? Somehow I highly doubt it. We had something, though. Perhaps in the end that something will have amounted to only friendship, and that’s okay. I just want to know how he feels.
Maybe God meant for us to be really, really, great friends and nothing more.

Must I forever be like this? I should have just gone to Zach’s morp with him. Heck, it was his birthday and I turned him down. I feel kind of bad about that. I mean, even if he did become a pest and I couldn’t get this creepy guy to stop asking me out, I would have been rid of him once he graduated. And…he did! And so did I, finally. Crazy to think that I was in high school earlier this year.

I’m thinking about Jack now. The Jack from my economics class. A couple of weeks after graduation, I was in my car at a stoplight when I looked into the car next to me. Sure enough, there was Jack. He saw me and blew a kiss. It was very out of character for me, but I blew a kiss back. I loved it! Flirting with him that day was brief but great. Seriously, the rest of that day I was somewhere else, off on a cloud. I drove the wrong way, too—I didn’t want to face him after the blown kisses, because he was with two friends, one of them who I knew from junior high home ec (Walter Freeman). I was totally distracted, I’m sure I drove terribly. Jack took his second semester of his senior year at Windfern so that he would only be in class a few hours a day, and he wouldn’t need to wake up as early.

3:34 a.m. - 2004-12-27


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