backyard crowing


The Interpreter

watching: The Interpreter, which i have never seen, on tv. i always wanted to see this especially considering that interpretation is what i want to do in life. maybe it will be creepy...and you know how much i hate a horror flick!
oh well. nicole kidman is in it, and i positively LOVE her.
sean penn is in it, too, and i think he's in LOTR.

i am sitting here chilling out, just having discovered a band called Harry and the Potters. they're coming to austin TWICE next week, so maybe i'll check them out! exciting.

oddly enough i haven't seen even one show here yet. i really wanted to see iron and wine but was too lazy to go figure it out and buy tickets. both of the potters shows are free, and not too late at night, so it seems more likely i'll actually go. i have nobody to go with, though. maybe i should just buck up and ask some random person to accompany me. i'm usually not one to mind going places alone--i love going to the dobie theater alone, it never bothers me. going anywhere alone usually never bothers me. yet sometimes lately i feel like i'd rather have a friend with me. i need to learn to make God my friend. he's friend enough for everybody. why is it we humans want other humans, other physical things, to love us? why doesn't God fulfill us totally? i suppose nuns and monks and my uncle keith are fulfilled, but then again they have each other. but what about jungle men, like tarzan? i'm sure they feel fulfilled in their loneness--they've never experienced life any other way. i wonder what it would be like to be alone in the jungle or anywhere, from a young age till death. living in the city has made me appreciate the beauty of non-city areas. i've always liked wildlife, but i do more now. i just want to go far away from here, into the wild, and write. i don't even know what i'll write about, i just want to write.

i got the guts to go talk to my t.a. today. i didn't want to, not one bit, but at least it's done now. at least now if mom calls and asks if i've talked to any profs i can say "one". he's not the prof, really, but a t.a. counts i think. now i just need to go see my advisor, and some more profs. i got some advice as to why i made a 59 on my last english essay, and

my gosh our t.a. has such pretty blue eyes! he's a married spud though, and besides, i am too smart to target a t.a. i wan't smart enough to not date a coworker, but i've learned that lesson.

good grief i hope my mom doesn't ask to see those essays. i'll leave them in my dorm just in case. they're not badly written, they're just not what the t.a. wanted.

this school is so huge.

i can't wait until this semester ends, i just want to start anew. i feel like i want a second chance, i just want to barely pass this semester and get on with life. and i don't want to go back to work at wal-mart, but i will anyway if they let me. i hope adam has quit by the time i start working there again, i really don't want any drama or weirdness. and i'm not calling him over thanksgiving, either.

cristy can't wait to go back home, but i'd rather not. i MUST do better on these next tests so that i'll have something cheery to say on thanksgiving. i feel like i'm dissapointing all my relatives. cristy is doing awesomely in school, and while i'm not jealous (she's working her ass off), i do wish i could be confident i'd pass everything, at the very least. i feel like the irresponsible little sister, and i'm older than her. i've always been mature for my age, but now i feel like an absolute five-year-old.

cristy is counting down the days until thanksgiving. i am counting down the days until the tests that i simply MUST succeed in, there are no 'ifs', 'ands', or 'buts'. i must pass, that's all there is to it. how did i get in this place? where did i go so wrong?

"It's never too late to do what you might have done."
-my principal said that at graduation

it can't be too late to pass at this point, it simply can't. i am disregarding all odds, thank you very much. i want to be made.
make me, MTV! no. make me, God.

the cost of going to houston by bus has gone up $5. mom says she doesn't like the idea of picking me up on main street, or even being on main street, but she'd go there to pick up her daughter. she was trying to get me to have a friend drive me home (maybe patrick or andrea) but i don't want that. besides, a nice long bus ride sounds soothing. three and a half hours of looking out the window and not talking to anyone is my kind of relaxation. i could write like mad!

then again, taking a long drive always means getting to know your fellow passengers better than you ever have before, and i certainly wouldn't be opposed to knowing patrick or andrea better, as they are two very excellent people. still, i wouldn't want to impose.

oh, and dad received my postcard! he sent me an email saying he'd gotten it.

"Vengeance is a lazy form of grief."
-The Interpreter

9:27 p.m. - 2005-11-02


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