backyard crowing
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honesty
tonight i was honest with myself, and with another. i'm rarely so honest as i was tonight, and i believe i simply couldn't feel better than i do now. i've always thought that honesty is the best policy, that's for sure, but tonight i saw honesty in a completely different light. i love it. i love saying what i feel and think and who i am; i want to be myself. and i no longer want to finish the sentence "i want to be myself" with "whoever that is." why? because i'm fine--extraordinary even, exactly as i am. and i desire so much to be loved and accepted, yet now that i have some of that love and acceptance, i realize i could do without it, which makes me stronger than i have ever been before. sometimes i feel like i could do anything...maybe it's just that i'm in like with a boy, but tonight was wonderful for many reasons. the greatest reason, of course, was that i said what was really on my mind, even though it was only two words. and in addition to that subtle proclamation, i was not turned away or shunned, and no one thought less of me.
we were laying on his bed and he asked me what i was thinking about. my initial reaction was embarassment, and not wanting to answer him. i was thinking about kissing him; but i could never say something like that. he kept on asking and i finally answered, shy as i ever am, "kissing you." two words. two words made my night tonight, and they were my own. oh gosh, i want to go hug him now but he's asleep.
and i was unsure of myself as i said those words, scared out of my wits. but i'm ecstatic i said them. he had nothing against my saying them; infact they opened up a couple of conversations i had been waiting to have with him. he asked me if i thought we were officially dating, so i said yes, and he informed me that a couple of people had asked him if we were, and he had said "Um, I think so...I don't really know." maybe facebook will soon say i'm "In A Relationship" with him. haha! ...wow. we also talked briefly about the whole jennifer factor, and i asked him if he was uncomfortable tonight with me talking to her. she didn't say anything negative about him (except once she pointed out that he was dancing rather oddly with raul, but i don't mind that, i know he likes girls, even if he is slightly metro and he could be bi), and she has been nothing but nice to me. her guy greg wasn't there tonight, but now i know for sure from robson that it was she who broke up with him (robson, that is), and that she moved on to greg only a couple of days after their breakup. he says he doesn't really care if she's angry, and from our chatting tonight, she didn't even know we were a thing, though she had thought maybe we were...i know, i know this isn't inspiring, but i'm feeling inspired, anyway.
and, along with those conversations he got up and put on some strawberry chapstick! he's adorable.
and no, it wasn't an open-mouthed kiss, but that's not what matters. i had to have guts to say what i did tonight, i'm going to figure out where they came from and pull from there in the future. the future is now. i can't waste another second not being who i am, not being honest with myself and the others around me. how can you live without honesty? how can you be truly happy if you're not truly you?
maybe it's that the clock reads 2:37 am...but still.
i can love what i want to love, hate what i want to hate, and it's freeing. i rarely feel so light.
3:04 am - Sunday, Mar. 26, 2006
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