backyard crowing
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tripping on love
i think i get it now.
anytime i get into a relationship with a guy, it happens. i trip. i experience pavement-eating, banana peel-slipping, red faced, beatlesesque, tripping. i blow minor details out of proportion, yet i keep them to myself. and then i don't concern myself with issues i should. i'm not myself. i only serve to please the guy, i'm not objective. i don't yet have the confidence to pick and choose who i date; i date whoever asks me. sure, there are guys who i'm interested in, but they exist only in my dreamworld, a myriad of people i'm far to shy to approach. they are the untouchables. i can't seem to calm down and let life happen, let a guy happen, naturally and flowingly, with the nonchalance and sauveness to know that they're only guys, after all. i have my head stuck in the future with crazy advanced questions and "mrs." this-or-thats crowding my cranium. i'm too young too analyze such details as i'm accustomed to scrutinizing, i should not care so much about every guy who takes me out. but in a sense it makes sense. i haven't dated very often, so when someone makes a move, it's quite the event for me, and i must reflect greatly on what is usually casual suggestion of dinner, or whatever.
who am i? i need to figure her out first, fall in love with her, and then consider fireworksing the pup.
'fireworksing the pup' is my new slang for 'getting into a relationship'.
but the problem is that i have no reference. i don't know how to date because i haven't dated, and because i haven't had parents to show me how to do 'it'. i never had an older sibling to show me the way, i'm unsure of myself and so i tend to act cool when behind the smile lies insecurity and someone who is not as prude as she makes out...
i say i want to be myself with a guy, but how do i do that without some censorship of my actions and words? how do you utterly not abandon yourself with reckless abandon? how do you decide what you want out of life, and how you're going to accomplish it? how do you so much as breathe your next breath? is it a sigh? a huff? a mumble?
4:39 am - Wednesday, Apr. 12, 2006
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