backyard crowing


twenty and happily unmarried and unbabied

the other day my work friend martha revealed to me that she may be pregnant, and she wants to be pregnant. i don't get it. i am sad for her, and she may not even know she's sad.

she's seventeen or eighteen, and supposed to be a senior in high school next year, but instead she'll be going into the ninth grade. her boyfriend is 21 years old. she wants to go into cosmetology after high school.

she's a sweet girl, but she whines. her age shows through. she's...i don't know what she is. i feel badly for her, i hope she gets the life she wants. but truly, she can succeed.

i wonder if there's anyone in her life who will be scared for her, who will warn her about what having a baby means for her. i wonder if she knows what she's getting into, and the kind of responsibility she will have if she is pregnant and if she does choose to have the baby. she's so young...i can't imagine being her age--being my age--and with child. it is a humbling thing to work at subway. i am the only white girl. i am the only one who doesn't speak spanish. i am the tallest person there. i have no children, and i don't want to be pregnant. i don't know why God has put me here, but maybe it's to learn a lesson...i hope i amount to something. i hope i have a great career. i don't want to be the mother of five and working for a sandwich shop. i'm not sure if i ever want to be the mother of five. one or two kids is plenty for me, i'm a solitary kind of person.

i wonder if she is afraid. her boyfriend came back early from his job in louisiana yesterday and came to the store to surprise her. she was so happy! i wasn't there, but she told me of his entrance. at first she didn't realize he was there, and then she started oohing and ahhing, and everyone wondered why. i like talking with her every now and then, and with jessica, who is now newly dubbed 'jessie'. i've heard sabino and maria call me janecita. i think 'cita' means 'little' in spanish if you add it on to the end of a word. i'm not exactly little, nor do i want to be thought of as little, but it's nice to have a nickname...

i enjoy nicknames, but if they make me seem like a baby? nah, i have a baby face. that's plenty enough, i don't need any other youthful stigma branded on my skin for all the world to see...

i'm twenty, okay? twenty. geez.

- tuesday, Jul. 18, 2006


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