backyard crowing


confidently in the direction of her dreams

so tonight i FINALLY feel awake enough to write. tommorow i go to sweet tomatoes with krista and lisa, ima take 'em out to celebrate their very belated birthday. i'm listening to Panic! At The Disco, a highly critized band, but i love them. screw the reviewers! these people rock.

i keep hoping that i get internet connection, but also that i won't so i can just keep writing about whatever. THREE DAYS UNTIL AUSTIN! ugh, i can't wait to leave. mom and i have grown closer, i do believe. we shared a heart to heart and some tears night before last. i don't feel like she believes in me most of the time, but she assured me she did. she reminded me of that girl who got a marching spot in ninth grade and about how hard she worked to gain her position. that was me.

she also told me that sometimes it helps her to think about my relatives, specifically the women who came before me. first there's her. she graduated from college, and her last semester she took a frightening 18 hours. yikes. but she made it!

then there's grandma mac. she wanted to be a different kind of nurse, and so she worked and raised three daughters while taking courses to get a different nurse's certification. she did school, even with all of her other responsibilities.

then there's aunt jackie. she was in the insurance business and decided that she didn't like it, so she took courses and now look, she has written a book. she went confidently in the direction of her dreams.

and great grandma sprague. she went back to college when she was much older and stayed in the same dorm she lived in at age 20.

there are four--count 'em, FOUR--women who weren't satisfied, and they made bold, difficult, gutsy moves to help themselves reach happiness.

she told me that i am amazing, and to never forget that.

all throughout that conversation, i remember thinking about marcus, and how he is a blip on the radar. i feel i have a long romantic shelf life, and putting off serious dating might be exactly what i need. maybe i'll just say, "i think we should stop communicating with each other," and then leave it at that, no longer returning his phone calls, replying to his text messages, or chatting on AIM. he doesn't even read my work. i want a guy who will read what i write; that's important to me. he hasn't updated his xanga since before we had our blind date ages ago, and i just know he hasn't visited my page. maybe i'll get that XangaSpy thing, or whatever it's called. jenna has it, perhaps i'll get it, too. i would love to see who looks at my site. she bugs her friends who visit without commenting! ha. most of the time i don't comment on people's blogs, unless the entry really affects me, or i'm just looking for hits on MY site. hm.

"Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? I've never looked better." - Panic!

Two other things that make me think Marcus and I are a bad idea:

-A recent episode of Sex and the City - Mom saying, "Oh, so he's ashamed of her," about a male character who doesn't introduce his girlfriend to a couple.

-The movie "Shopgirl." That is a tribute to showing how FWB relationships don't work. Like, ever.

I think I would hurt him. That's why I don't want to communicate with him anymore.


Listening to: "I Could Have Danced All Night," the original version.

I just love this song! So romantic! So hopeful! Sometimes a cheery song is just what one needs.


me: wow, lookee there
me: internet
marcus: Woo!
me: good choice, stay away from the pupu
marcus: I'm watching Fight Science
me: You would.
me: sorry, i had to
me: is that fun?
marcus: Yep
me: coooool
me: did you know that august is romance awareness month?
marcus: It interesting to see the science for fights
marcus: Like they did "the perfect punch* it was awsome
me: it's science about fighting? like streetfighting?
marcus: No, martial arts
marcus: This guy who is an expert at tai kwon do reacts to stimulous in .18 seconds
me: very cool
marcus: There was a light that turned on and he hit a target
marcus: This guy has studied Ninjitsu his entire life
marcus: They're doing his balance
marcus: He's wearing sweet ninja Adidas
me: i was just thinking about the word adidas today
me: i thought somebody told me it stood for 'all day i dream of sex'
me: but, wouldn't that be adidOs?
me: so confused
me: oh well
marcus: No its All Day I Dream About Sex
marcus: ADIDAS
me: ah, okay. that makes more sense
me: OKAY.
me: :-)
me: that would be great in a *ahem* sensual chat session if one person didn't know the meaning of it, but the other did
me: "ADIDAS" says one and the other wonders why shoes have to do with anything
me: standard miscommunication, hehe
marcus: Or good for parents or siblings over a shoulder
marcus: Adidas with you
me: haha! amusing!
marcus: *lick*
me: mmm
me: *deep kisses*
me: you know, i was thinking about this old movie called french kiss the other day. in it one of the main characters talks about how she thinks it is the most personal thing a person can do, even more so than sex. and then of course there are people in certain situations that will do some things, but then kissing is off limits. i'm curious, what are your thoughts?
marcus: There is some truth behind that I think
marcus: Because its a very personal thing
marcus: To me its like opening up, letting someone close to you
marcus: And Meg Ryan is hot for an older lady
me: haha
me: you saw it?
me: i think richard dreyfuss is sort of attractive for an old guy
me: he was in jaws and mr. holland's opus
marcus: Yeah
marcus: Its a while since
me: talking about this reminds me of my mother. i don't know if she ever opens up/lets people close to her, and i have no idea when the last time she actually kissed a person in a romantic way was
marcus: I remember she was freaking out about taking off on a plane
me: the other night we had a heart to heart and she let me know that if i needed to talk about whatever to just call her anytime. and then when i told her the same, she said, "i'm the mother here" and "i've got a really, really good therapist" and things of that nature. that's nice and all, but people are people and they have problems, mother or not. it's just frustrating, i guess. it's like maybe she thinks i can't handle it, or that i'll get totally sidetracked by her problems. or maybe she's just trying to protect me. but really, communication is key! i mean, i'm a very independent person too, but she just wants to take care of everything herself and not rely on anyone else, or specifically not rely on me
me: what's wrong with me? geez
me: yeah, the guy kissed her while she was sleeping, if i remember right
marcus: I think he actually started an argument while they were taking off
me: i don't remember it too well
marcus: But, she's a mother
marcus: She wants that advantage
me: so? does that make a difference? she's showing me not to ask for help, as far as i can tell
me: like she can handle all her own pain or something
me: i mean, in a sense i'm not complaining, because i don't want to process all of her shit, but at the same time i often feel like i don't want anyone to have to process all of my shit, and the fact of the matter is, shit is everywhere
me: everybody poops!
me: and how is not confiding in me/not telling me about her problems giving her an advantage?
me: if anything, it's giving me an advantage, no?
me: agh, i don't know about her
me: we're friends, we're so friggin' close but we hate each other most of the time
me: it's funny
marcus: Well
marcus: Its like she wants to be the older one
marcus: She wants to be mom
me: okay...i think i get that.
me: and she's the eldest of three, so she's had that older sister taking her under your wing sort of thing in her since she was a kid
me: *taking you under her wing, i mean*
marcus: I'd like to take you under the covers
me: hehe, i'm already there
me: where are you?
me: ou est monsieur marcus?
marcus: I'm on the couch
marcus: This show is long
me: i see
me: *pulls you under the covers*
me: i'm pulling you into my scenery instead, it's quieter
marcus: And then I'm probably going to watch more forigne cartoons
marcus: *gets comfy*
marcus: That's debatable O:-)
me: haHA!
me: well, at my house it would HAVE to be quieter, there's a parent around (boo)
marcus: Well
marcus: You can come to my house then
me: i always found it weird that people could just make out in front of a tv or a movie, to me that kind of thing sounds so distracting. music is one thing, and a lot of fun, but if you've got mattress mac on the tube trying to save you money? ugh! i don't think that's what i want to be hearing during kisses, even if i'm too distracted to notice
me: but the tv is on, lol
marcus: And my roomate is in the room
me: i have a strict, music-only policy, haha
me: oh well, then that would never work
me: we could of course entertain him, but no
me: no no no no no no no no no no
me: :D
me: have you heard of shuggie otis? he's great
marcus: Nope
me: he's kind of like a mellower, watered down version of stevie wonder...maybe. well, perhaps that's not the best way to describe him. he's a musician of his own invention. very, very psychadelic and shagworthy.
me: his music is shagworthy, that is; he is dead by now i'm sure
marcus: I could shag to the gorillaz first album
me: i know a couple of their songs
me: dare and feel good inc
marcus: That's their new one
me: i've not heard the first
marcus: I haven't listened to the first one in a long time...
me: okay, and now i'll ask: have you shagged to that particular album?
me: wow, long pause
me: you don't have to say one way or another, that's very personal
marcus: Sorry, they're doing swords now
marcus: No I havent
marcus: I have to the killers though
me: really? ha! i have hot fuss
marcus: I don't mind as long as you don't think I'm some kind of man-whore
me: i don't
me: hey, i think shuggie otis' "inspiration information" would be a great shagging album
marcus: We'll see :-P
me: ha!
me: you sound like a mother who's putting off saying no
me: silly marcus, tricks are for kids
me: i like "Believe Me Natalie"
me: (off killers album)
marcus: I don't know what it was
me: what what was?
marcus: The song
me: ah, gotcha
marcus: Or songs...
me: i really like reggae, but i don't know what's out there
me: haha, you're saying you don't remember the songs
me: do you know any good reggae bands?
me: my mother hates reggae, but it's just so...i don't know, i can't put my finger on it.
marcus: Its island mon
me: hehe
me: but of course!
me: did i tell you i'm going to jamaica in january?
marcus: Yes... Poo head
me: with my dad and a bunch of his fambly members
me: ouch!
me: attack!
me: Janeane hits for 125!
marcus: Marcus is Stunned!
me: hahahahaha
me: how many hit points do you have?
marcus: I don't know
me: me neither
me: :-
marcus: This Anime is depressing
marcus: Kindof
me: well come to bed
me: beds are not depressing
marcus: *jumps out of clothes (literally) and into bed*
me: haha!
marcus: Very Lupin III
me: lupin?
me: the only lupin i know is prof. lupin, a teacher at hoggy warty hogwarts
marcus: Lupin is a thief that is somewhat of a player
marcus: Its a very racy show
marcus: Old though
me: is it on cable?
marcus: I think you may really like "Castle of Cagliostro"
me: i haven't heard of so many shows since they're on cable
marcus: The series was on Adult Swim
marcus: But CoC is a movie I have on dvdoir
me: dvdoir? what is that?
marcus: Dvd
me: ah, ok
marcus: I say that cause i rock
me: because you know the difference between a dvd and a dvdoir, unlike most people?
me: coolness
marcus: Yesh
marcus: *chomp*
me: *eyelash bat*
me: ha, when did that ever work for anyone?
me: it just makes me laugh
me: *lick*
marcus: I think that's the idea actually
me: hm, okay
marcus: Sort of a non verbal pick up line
marcus: "Oh he has a great personality
me: what?
me: okay, now i'm lost
marcus: Nuffink ;-)
marcus: Winking never works either
me: no?
me: i think winking is kind of cute
me: i mean, it's subtle if you can get a moment when nobody else is looking but the winkee
me: er, the winked--the person receiving the wink
marcus: I do the eyebrow thing
me: the eyebrow thing?
me: like the raise of an eyebrow?
marcus: I have rediculous control of my eyebrows
me: like jack nicholson?
me: hehe
me: my aunt is the same way
me: she lives in hawaii, and is therefore a poohead as well
marcus: Yes
marcus: Damn
marcus: Kill her
me: ah, i wish i could
me: (soooo very kidding, ha)
me: she's too far and i have no missiles
me: fire zee missiles! fire zee missiles!
me: but i am le tired
me: i AM le tired
marcus: Well have a nap
me: hehe
me: thief!
me: yours was more creatively spelled though
me: kudos 2 cre8ivity
marcus: That's just hoaky
me: or kudoughs
me: yew doo teh okie bokie an ya tern yersef awound
me: bad spellers untie
me: actually, i'm a fairly good speller
marcus: Speelers?
me: yeah those
me: :-)
me: *slips off shirt*
marcus: Now you're just trying to turn me on
marcus: Well
marcus: "Trying" is an objective word
me: haha! i am. but, i really am shirtless
marcus: Shwing!
me: :-D
me: objective? so i'm going to be successful?
marcus: mwuahaha
me: i'm listening to shuggie otis
me: the song is called Rainy Day
me: hey, i get fired tommorow
me: or i quit tommorow, rather
me: *does happy i'm quitting dance*
marcus: Doesn't it feel relieveing
me: yes
marcus: Like taking off clothes ^_^
me: yes, hehe
me: i wondered if that was where that was going
me: *nuzzle*
marcus: *pulls you closer*
me: *grins*
me: are you unhappy that you got fired?
marcus: Nope
marcus: Relieved
me: did you do it on purpose?
marcus: I may actually start working at the bowling alley
me: well, that would be a definite change of scene
me: and you wouldn't have to worry about making tips
marcus: Oh yeah
marcus: And much better perks
me: or i don't think so
me: free bowling?
marcus: Yeahya
me: do your parents know yet?
marcus: And I'll beable to learn
marcus: Nope
marcus: I probably won't tell them for a while
marcus: would they freak out?
marcus: They'd be concerned
marcus: Mom would anyway
me: are you thinking you'll find another job and then tell them?
marcus: Dad wouldnt
me: yeah, so would my mom
marcus: Not really
me: do you mind me asking what you did? I mean was it just that you didn't get their meal to them quickly or something?
marcus: No I never went by there after their food hit the table
me: oh man
me: was it a three strikes you're out sort of situation?
marcus: Sort of
me: does your boss still like you? can he still be a reference?
me: or she, of course
marcus: I had already been written up, and I signed the thing saying next time would be termination
marcus: I plan on it
me: well, that's good then
marcus: I'm a shitty waiter, not a shitty worker
me: hm
me: ok
me: well then somewhere other than a restaurant would be the best
marcus: Yup
me: i worked for walmart at one point as a cashier
marcus: For a while anyway
me: they paid 6.90 per hour at the start, which i thought was pretty good
me: and they certainly had plenty of hours for me to word
me: work
me: well, i've got to sleep
me: nice chatting, mr.
me: *slips shirt back on*
marcus: *rubs breasts*
marcus: Goodnight, mademoiselle janeane
me: goodnight!

11:39 pm - monday, august 21, 2006


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