backyard crowing
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confidently in the direction of her dreams
so tonight i FINALLY feel awake enough to write. tommorow i go to sweet tomatoes with krista and lisa, ima take 'em out to celebrate their very belated birthday. i'm listening to Panic! At The Disco, a highly critized band, but i love them. screw the reviewers! these people rock. i keep hoping that i get internet connection, but also that i won't so i can just keep writing about whatever. THREE DAYS UNTIL AUSTIN! ugh, i can't wait to leave. mom and i have grown closer, i do believe. we shared a heart to heart and some tears night before last. i don't feel like she believes in me most of the time, but she assured me she did. she reminded me of that girl who got a marching spot in ninth grade and about how hard she worked to gain her position. that was me. she also told me that sometimes it helps her to think about my relatives, specifically the women who came before me. first there's her. she graduated from college, and her last semester she took a frightening 18 hours. yikes. but she made it! then there's grandma mac. she wanted to be a different kind of nurse, and so she worked and raised three daughters while taking courses to get a different nurse's certification. she did school, even with all of her other responsibilities. then there's aunt jackie. she was in the insurance business and decided that she didn't like it, so she took courses and now look, she has written a book. she went confidently in the direction of her dreams. and great grandma sprague. she went back to college when she was much older and stayed in the same dorm she lived in at age 20. there are four--count 'em, FOUR--women who weren't satisfied, and they made bold, difficult, gutsy moves to help themselves reach happiness. she told me that i am amazing, and to never forget that. all throughout that conversation, i remember thinking about marcus, and how he is a blip on the radar. i feel i have a long romantic shelf life, and putting off serious dating might be exactly what i need. maybe i'll just say, "i think we should stop communicating with each other," and then leave it at that, no longer returning his phone calls, replying to his text messages, or chatting on AIM. he doesn't even read my work. i want a guy who will read what i write; that's important to me. he hasn't updated his xanga since before we had our blind date ages ago, and i just know he hasn't visited my page. maybe i'll get that XangaSpy thing, or whatever it's called. jenna has it, perhaps i'll get it, too. i would love to see who looks at my site. she bugs her friends who visit without commenting! ha. most of the time i don't comment on people's blogs, unless the entry really affects me, or i'm just looking for hits on MY site. hm. "Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? I've never looked better." - Panic! Two other things that make me think Marcus and I are a bad idea: -A recent episode of Sex and the City - Mom saying, "Oh, so he's ashamed of her," about a male character who doesn't introduce his girlfriend to a couple. -The movie "Shopgirl." That is a tribute to showing how FWB relationships don't work. Like, ever. I think I would hurt him. That's why I don't want to communicate with him anymore. ---------- Listening to: "I Could Have Danced All Night," the original version. I just love this song! So romantic! So hopeful! Sometimes a cheery song is just what one needs. ---------- me: wow, lookee there me: internet marcus: Woo! me: good choice, stay away from the pupu marcus: I'm watching Fight Science me: You would. me: sorry, i had to me: is that fun? marcus: Yep me: coooool me: did you know that august is romance awareness month? marcus: It interesting to see the science for fights marcus: Like they did "the perfect punch* it was awsome me: it's science about fighting? like streetfighting? marcus: No, martial arts marcus: This guy who is an expert at tai kwon do reacts to stimulous in .18 seconds me: very cool marcus: There was a light that turned on and he hit a target marcus: This guy has studied Ninjitsu his entire life marcus: They're doing his balance marcus: He's wearing sweet ninja Adidas me: i was just thinking about the word adidas today me: i thought somebody told me it stood for 'all day i dream of sex' me: but, wouldn't that be adidOs? me: so confused me: oh well marcus: No its All Day I Dream About Sex marcus: ADIDAS me: ah, okay. that makes more sense me: OKAY. me: :-) me: that would be great in a *ahem* sensual chat session if one person didn't know the meaning of it, but the other did me: "ADIDAS" says one and the other wonders why shoes have to do with anything me: standard miscommunication, hehe marcus: Or good for parents or siblings over a shoulder marcus: Adidas with you me: haha! amusing! marcus: *lick* me: mmm me: *deep kisses* me: you know, i was thinking about this old movie called french kiss the other day. in it one of the main characters talks about how she thinks it is the most personal thing a person can do, even more so than sex. and then of course there are people in certain situations that will do some things, but then kissing is off limits. i'm curious, what are your thoughts? marcus: There is some truth behind that I think marcus: Because its a very personal thing marcus: To me its like opening up, letting someone close to you marcus: And Meg Ryan is hot for an older lady me: haha me: you saw it? me: i think richard dreyfuss is sort of attractive for an old guy me: he was in jaws and mr. holland's opus marcus: Yeah marcus: Its a while since me: talking about this reminds me of my mother. i don't know if she ever opens up/lets people close to her, and i have no idea when the last time she actually kissed a person in a romantic way was marcus: I remember she was freaking out about taking off on a plane me: the other night we had a heart to heart and she let me know that if i needed to talk about whatever to just call her anytime. and then when i told her the same, she said, "i'm the mother here" and "i've got a really, really good therapist" and things of that nature. that's nice and all, but people are people and they have problems, mother or not. it's just frustrating, i guess. it's like maybe she thinks i can't handle it, or that i'll get totally sidetracked by her problems. or maybe she's just trying to protect me. but really, communication is key! i mean, i'm a very independent person too, but she just wants to take care of everything herself and not rely on anyone else, or specifically not rely on me me: what's wrong with me? geez me: yeah, the guy kissed her while she was sleeping, if i remember right marcus: I think he actually started an argument while they were taking off me: i don't remember it too well marcus: But, she's a mother marcus: She wants that advantage me: so? does that make a difference? she's showing me not to ask for help, as far as i can tell me: like she can handle all her own pain or something me: i mean, in a sense i'm not complaining, because i don't want to process all of her shit, but at the same time i often feel like i don't want anyone to have to process all of my shit, and the fact of the matter is, shit is everywhere me: everybody poops! me: and how is not confiding in me/not telling me about her problems giving her an advantage? me: if anything, it's giving me an advantage, no? me: agh, i don't know about her me: we're friends, we're so friggin' close but we hate each other most of the time me: it's funny marcus: Well marcus: Its like she wants to be the older one marcus: She wants to be mom me: okay...i think i get that. me: and she's the eldest of three, so she's had that older sister taking her under your wing sort of thing in her since she was a kid me: *taking you under her wing, i mean* marcus: I'd like to take you under the covers me: hehe, i'm already there me: where are you? me: ou est monsieur marcus? marcus: I'm on the couch marcus: This show is long me: i see me: *pulls you under the covers* me: i'm pulling you into my scenery instead, it's quieter marcus: And then I'm probably going to watch more forigne cartoons marcus: *gets comfy* marcus: That's debatable O:-) me: haHA! me: well, at my house it would HAVE to be quieter, there's a parent around (boo) marcus: Well marcus: You can come to my house then me: i always found it weird that people could just make out in front of a tv or a movie, to me that kind of thing sounds so distracting. music is one thing, and a lot of fun, but if you've got mattress mac on the tube trying to save you money? ugh! i don't think that's what i want to be hearing during kisses, even if i'm too distracted to notice me: but the tv is on, lol marcus: And my roomate is in the room me: i have a strict, music-only policy, haha me: oh well, then that would never work me: we could of course entertain him, but no me: no no no no no no no no no no me: :D me: have you heard of shuggie otis? he's great marcus: Nope me: he's kind of like a mellower, watered down version of stevie wonder...maybe. well, perhaps that's not the best way to describe him. he's a musician of his own invention. very, very psychadelic and shagworthy. me: his music is shagworthy, that is; he is dead by now i'm sure marcus: I could shag to the gorillaz first album me: i know a couple of their songs me: dare and feel good inc marcus: That's their new one me: i've not heard the first marcus: I haven't listened to the first one in a long time... me: okay, and now i'll ask: have you shagged to that particular album? me: wow, long pause me: you don't have to say one way or another, that's very personal marcus: Sorry, they're doing swords now marcus: No I havent marcus: I have to the killers though me: really? ha! i have hot fuss marcus: I don't mind as long as you don't think I'm some kind of man-whore me: i don't me: hey, i think shuggie otis' "inspiration information" would be a great shagging album marcus: We'll see :-P me: ha! me: you sound like a mother who's putting off saying no me: silly marcus, tricks are for kids me: i like "Believe Me Natalie" me: (off killers album) marcus: I don't know what it was me: what what was? marcus: The song me: ah, gotcha marcus: Or songs... me: i really like reggae, but i don't know what's out there me: haha, you're saying you don't remember the songs me: do you know any good reggae bands? me: my mother hates reggae, but it's just so...i don't know, i can't put my finger on it. marcus: Its island mon me: hehe me: but of course! me: did i tell you i'm going to jamaica in january? marcus: Yes... Poo head me: with my dad and a bunch of his fambly members me: ouch! me: attack! me: Janeane hits for 125! marcus: Marcus is Stunned! me: hahahahaha me: how many hit points do you have? marcus: I don't know me: me neither me: :- marcus: This Anime is depressing marcus: Kindof me: well come to bed me: beds are not depressing marcus: *jumps out of clothes (literally) and into bed* me: haha! marcus: Very Lupin III me: lupin? me: the only lupin i know is prof. lupin, a teacher at hoggy warty hogwarts marcus: Lupin is a thief that is somewhat of a player marcus: Its a very racy show marcus: Old though me: is it on cable? marcus: I think you may really like "Castle of Cagliostro" me: i haven't heard of so many shows since they're on cable marcus: The series was on Adult Swim marcus: But CoC is a movie I have on dvdoir me: dvdoir? what is that? marcus: Dvd me: ah, ok marcus: I say that cause i rock me: because you know the difference between a dvd and a dvdoir, unlike most people? me: coolness marcus: Yesh marcus: *chomp* me: *eyelash bat* me: ha, when did that ever work for anyone? me: it just makes me laugh me: *lick* marcus: I think that's the idea actually me: hm, okay marcus: Sort of a non verbal pick up line marcus: "Oh he has a great personality me: what? me: okay, now i'm lost marcus: Nuffink ;-) marcus: Winking never works either me: no? me: i think winking is kind of cute me: i mean, it's subtle if you can get a moment when nobody else is looking but the winkee me: er, the winked--the person receiving the wink marcus: I do the eyebrow thing me: the eyebrow thing? me: like the raise of an eyebrow? marcus: I have rediculous control of my eyebrows me: like jack nicholson? me: hehe me: my aunt is the same way me: she lives in hawaii, and is therefore a poohead as well marcus: Yes marcus: Damn marcus: Kill her me: ah, i wish i could me: (soooo very kidding, ha) me: she's too far and i have no missiles me: fire zee missiles! fire zee missiles! me: but i am le tired me: i AM le tired marcus: Well have a nap marcus: ZEN FIYA ZEE MISSILES! me: THEN FIRE ZEE MI me: hehe me: thief! me: yours was more creatively spelled though me: kudos 2 cre8ivity marcus: That's just hoaky me: or kudoughs me: yew doo teh okie bokie an ya tern yersef awound me: bad spellers untie me: actually, i'm a fairly good speller marcus: Speelers? me: yeah those me: :-) me: *slips off shirt* marcus: Now you're just trying to turn me on marcus: Well marcus: "Trying" is an objective word me: haha! i am. but, i really am shirtless marcus: Shwing! me: :-D me: objective? so i'm going to be successful? marcus: mwuahaha me: i'm listening to shuggie otis me: the song is called Rainy Day me: hey, i get fired tommorow me: or i quit tommorow, rather me: *does happy i'm quitting dance* marcus: Doesn't it feel relieveing me: yes marcus: Like taking off clothes ^_^ me: yes, hehe me: i wondered if that was where that was going me: *nuzzle* marcus: *pulls you closer* me: *grins* me: are you unhappy that you got fired? marcus: Nope marcus: Relieved me: did you do it on purpose? marcus: I may actually start working at the bowling alley me: well, that would be a definite change of scene me: and you wouldn't have to worry about making tips marcus: Oh yeah marcus: And much better perks me: or i don't think so me: free bowling? marcus: Yeahya me: do your parents know yet? marcus: And I'll beable to learn marcus: Nope marcus: I probably won't tell them for a while marcus: would they freak out? marcus: They'd be concerned marcus: Mom would anyway me: are you thinking you'll find another job and then tell them? marcus: Dad wouldnt me: yeah, so would my mom marcus: Not really me: do you mind me asking what you did? I mean was it just that you didn't get their meal to them quickly or something? marcus: No I never went by there after their food hit the table me: oh man me: was it a three strikes you're out sort of situation? marcus: Sort of me: does your boss still like you? can he still be a reference? me: or she, of course marcus: I had already been written up, and I signed the thing saying next time would be termination marcus: I plan on it me: well, that's good then marcus: I'm a shitty waiter, not a shitty worker me: hm me: ok me: well then somewhere other than a restaurant would be the best marcus: Yup me: i worked for walmart at one point as a cashier marcus: For a while anyway me: they paid 6.90 per hour at the start, which i thought was pretty good me: and they certainly had plenty of hours for me to word me: work me: well, i've got to sleep me: nice chatting, mr. me: *slips shirt back on* marcus: *rubs breasts* marcus: Goodnight, mademoiselle janeane me: goodnight!
11:39 pm - monday, august 21, 2006
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lovesounds - futuresex
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