backyard crowing
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SEARCH YOUR FEEEELINGS, LUKE!
so i'm thinking at this point that i'll probably delete my AIM account as well, on account of the fact that marcus doesn't really care about me at all. if he does, he might call me in a few minutes. if he doesn't, which i am now pretty sure is the case, then he's not worth my time. a long time ago he said he didn't look at porn. now he's admitting he does. he's a liar, and sits and watches family guy as i call him on it. now, you might see this as drama queen-esque of me, but i don't. not when virtually ALL of our communication has been through instant messaging. ugh, what a jerk. here's what happened a few minutes ago:
me: hey
marcus: Hello
me: wow this evening is passing by fast
me: are you feeling better?
marcus: Better ish
me: good
me: are you at work?
marcus: My internets is pissing me off
marcus: Nope
me: uh oh
me: what's up
marcus: Dunno
me: btw i quit xanga
me: is it not working?
marcus: Aww
me: :-)
marcus: Not at all
me: and livejournal and myspace and consumating, too
marcus: Consumating
me: and don't make fun, consumating is a really fun site
me: it's not even really used that much for dating
me: people do, but it's not always the goal
me: yeah, check it out
me: it's fun
me: and addictive
me: so now all i have is facebook, zee private blog, and aim
me: and youtube
me: but youtube isn't that addictive to me
marcus: I think my roomate is the reason i can't use it
me: and aim kinda bugs me
me: can't use what? zee internets?
marcus: Yeah
me: is it your comp?
marcus: That or my internet is pissed I deleted all my porn
me: aha
marcus: No, both mine and my brothers
me: "my porn"
marcus: And aarons is working fine apparently
me: i thought you told me you didn't look at it?
me: dude, i remember
me: wow, that made me unpopular
me: VERY unpopular
marcus: Huh?
me: i just called you on it
me: on looking at porn, when you said you didn't
marcus: Wha?
me: making me unpopular
me: you told me once you didn't look at porn
marcus: Uh?
me: huh.
marcus: Uh
me: huh.
me: why all the Uhs?
me: hello?
me: again, see?
me: unpopular.
marcus: Whowetalkinbout?
me: you!
me: do i have to spell it out for you?
me: geez!
me: i am calling you on your shit...
me: :p and i'm about half kidding, but you DID say you didn't look at porn. buster.
me: slow response time=i have become unpopular
marcus: Family guy
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apart from that annoying episode, i had a strange dream last night. i was living in a building with 14 stories, and i was on the top floor. oddly enough the building was located in san antonio, and was designed much like jester, only not quite the same. there was this "bad guy" who followed me around everywhere, and he was disguised as a good guy. i sort of thought he might be a bad guy, but wasn't exactly sure, and for some reason i tried to be nice to him. at one point he and i were alone in my room and i told him he had to leave, because i was trying to do my homework and i couldn't concentrate with him around. he obliged, but when he did i became even more nervous about him because once he left, i didn't know where he had gone, and i was afraid that he and his posse would come after me. i don't know really what they would have done...perhaps kill me, i can't quite remember.
there was a storm brewing, and everyone had to leave the building and the city or face potential death. i didn't have air transportation, so i had to figure out a way to exit the building without getting caught by this guy, without him knowing where i had gone. i got scared and took the elevator down to the 12th floor, thinking maybe he wouldn't look for me there. strangely, i was one of the only people in the building. there were few rushing to the stairs or elevators. i believe i saw him again once i reached the 12th floor, but i don't know what happened. what i do know is that when i woke up i noticed that my roommate anya had left to go to class and i was all alone, and frightened because i didn't know where the guy was. he had a really great disguise. he was awfully evil and malicious. i'm not sure what his goal was.
i told anya about my dream, and she was really helpful. she didn't have really any insight into the dream, but was extremely sweet. she asked me if i was stressed, and i said yes. she told me if i needed to talk, i could come to her, and so i told her the same. she is so kind, that anya. we're going to Bible study tommorow night.
we looked up the UT 24-hour hotline, and both programmed the number into our phones. and we found on the site that if you need counseling, UT students get it for free by going in, making an appointment, filling out some forms to determine which counselor would be best suited to your needs, and voila. free counseling. maybe i should go ahead and try it. i'm sure it's anonymous.
anya asked me if everything was okay, and told me that she missed a LOT of class her first semester of college (which was fall of 05). she said she practically failed most of her classes. she said she also took half a semester off during high school because she did something and then was put into a mental hospital for three days. i didn't ask what, because i don't want to pry. i wonder if she tried to kill herself...i hope not, but i...oh goodness it could be the truth. she's very cheerful most of the time it seems. she emphasized to me the importance of having people you can talk to about stuff, instead of bottling everything up. she said one of her Bible study friends came to visit her dorm room, and it was a complete mess, and she just broke down and cried. i feel a lot closer to her now, and that i can really rely on her. i hope i can bring myself to be really open with her, and that she can do the same. it's one thing to say you can say anything to each other, but quite another to follow through. i hope she feels she can be open and honest with me about her problems, too. i know my mom won't really share her problems with me. she has a good therapist and good friends, she says. but really, isn't that just training me to not trust people? i'm not sure. marcus (who i don't really think i'll be speaking to anymore, which is healthy for me) has said that she just wants to be a mom, to play the maternal role. i don't know. i think he has a point, but it's still somewhat hypocritical of her to be all, "share your feelings with me!" when she won't do the same for me. it's selfless, i guess, but also confusing. it's like she's protecting me from the problems that she has in her life. again, selfless, but we've all got problems. and she's not just my mother, she's my friend, too. it's like she can be my friend, but i can't be hers. and i'm never good enough for her. well, whatever. i'll be much better off on my own someday. for now, i need to get studying so i can get independent.
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i skipped music yesterday and journalism today...but the past two weeks i haven't missed a SINGLE lecture/discussion section/lab or anything at all like that. so this week i let up a little. i want the next three weeks to be absence-free. then the week after that maybe i'll skip a class or two. we'll see.
10:56 pm - Thursday, Oct. 12, 2006
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