backyard crowing
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
am i attracted to him?
wrote this about the poetry of e.e. cummings, but i don't like it much at all:
so i read your poetry,
assuming it's for me me me
words float through my brain
keeping me vain,
calm and insane
surely darling you must be
poet of this century
i read your flowing poetry
assuming it's for me me me
hm, i sound AWFULLY self-centered here. aie!
-----------
yesterday night i talked with abby, my neighbor, from about 11:30pm to 3:30am. all i can say is, she's amazing. have you ever met a friend and thought, "Wow, i was supposed to meet him/her"? abby is one of those friends. she is such a sweetheart and since we talked for about four hours, i don't even know where to begin. i love that girl! i wish her the absolute best. she has a bladder infection right now (UGH, BOOO!) that she thinks she received from this guy named ben. she went to the doctor today and now has some pills for it. i hope she's feeling better soon. i can remember having bladder infections as a kid...how horrible that must be.
i think i'll keep on with jeffrey and give him more of a chance. he's a good catch, and i can tell he cares about me. i enjoy his company, and he seems like a patient man. why do i say man? because I consider him a man...he's no boy. and really, he is an attractive person, and a genuinely NICE one. he prays at dinner, he's considerate, respectful, and wow, this relationship might last a while. and i like it when he just lays with me and i can shut my eyes and just be...with him. he's so warm and gentle...the kissing is a bit too aggressive, but not as aggressive as it was at first. there's still no spark, and i told him so. he was bothered by that whole conversation.
i should explain.
it happened last weekend when we were cuddling and kissing on my bed. i just asked him if he was feeling anything, if he was enjoying the kissing. he told me he was. and then (just as i wanted him to) he asked me if i was into it as well. so i told him, "well, i don't know...i'm not really feeling a spark." and i wasn't! i added at one juncture, "i don't know...i know that i'm not a lesbian..." THAT must have been interesting to hear from his own girlfriend. he seemed uncomfortable, and asked, "do we have to talk about this now?" i said we didn't really have to, and so he asked me, "well, do you want to talk about it?" and i told him that no, not particularly. he said that maybe at this point, two and half weeks or so into the relationship, i didn't need all that. he said maybe we just needed practice. this could be him just not wanting to lose me, which is sweet. (or, it could mean that he's being a total jerk and implying that it doesn't matter whether or not he turns me on, only that i turn him on). i suggested maybe i just needed to get to know him better, and then things would improve. whether this is the truth or not, i have no idea.
and i think he could be right about "not needing all that." i like him a lot, and even though the kissing doesn't turn me on now, perhaps it will with enough practice. but what scares me is this: how long do i practice before i know? should i keep dating and kissing him indefinitely until i feel pleasure? should i wait another week? another month? how long do i wait? am i just inexperienced, and so is he, and so we're both having trouble? the reason i wanted to stop kissing him on our mini golf date was because i was afraid that it would continue to not be good, and i would be tempted to break up with him right then and there, sort of like how i did with adam. with adam, i attempted kissing him, it was bad, and the next day i left him...and the city. i realize that i'm lucky. i have a caring guy. i like him back. he is, like i've said, a great catch. anya sees this. abby sees this. i see this. but what if he's not for me? there are so many other men in the world, and we are so insanely young. i don't want to let him go, and if we can work through this, maybe breaking up won't be necessary.
but i want the whole package. i deserve it, and so does he. and he deserves a woman who is attracted to him! if i am truly not attracted to him, i don't want to lead him on or cause more pain than necessary--i don't want to lengthen a relationship that i know won't work. the sooner you break up with someone you know isn't for you, the lesser the pain.
yet i don't know yet if i'm genuinely not attracted to him. i could just be clamming up when we kiss, but i try to be as relaxed as possible...i've even tried doing kegels (!) whilst kissing him. abby said that she's never enjoyed a kiss, or sex. that was amazing! she has had gobs more experience than i have (sex multiple times with one boyfriend plus a night or two with this ben guy), yet she still hasn't enjoyed it. that makes me feel so much better; i'm not alone. still, i feel that sex and kissing SHOULD feel pleasurable. i'm willing to keep practicing for awhile because i've never had someone that i've practiced with.
i know that kissing and sex is not like in the movies--i KNOW that. but it should be at least fun. with him, the kissing is sort of comfy, but not thrilling. i don't find myself wanting to rip his clothes off. i do wonder what i'm supposed to be doing, though...
maybe i should try instructing him a bit. i certainly don't want to break his confidence (i may have already done that a little with the whole "i don't feel a spark" line, but i hope not), but if i want to REALLY practice, shouldn't i try as many different things as possible? instructing him could hurt, or help.
i've thought about non-verbal instruction, as follows:
i tell him to close his eyes, i unhook my bra underneath my shirt, and then lead his hands over my chest.
but i don't know if that's too forward, or too easy. he has already fondled my breasts, which i'm comfortable with, and he's the first to have done that. he did it very awkwardly, so it didn't do much for me. if he was touching my breasts directly though (not through a bra or shirt), i might be turned on. at the same time, i have a feeling it would be more fun if HE reached for them himself than if i guided his hands. i don't know that i would ever be able to make such a bold move at this point.
...and i'm really, really, really embarrassed by this, but...well, usually when we're cuddling, we will have one leg in between the other. so once, when i thought he was sleeping, his thigh was in between my legs. i decided to try and get worked up, and his leg was sort of nice and warm, so i started doing kegels. i have no idea if he could feel it through our jeans or not, but when he seemed to become alert, i asked him, "were you asleep?" he replied, "sort of." i feel a little guilty about doing this, and i don't really know why. if he felt it and was uncomfortable, i would be incredibly embarrassed. if he was truly asleep (and it sounded like he was snoring at one point), then i'm still embarrassed, only he's probably embarrassed that he fell asleep in the first place.
i felt gross afterward, like i was doing something wrong. i don't know why.
i don't think it's really wrong...i mean come on, it's more practice. i like him a lot and i want to be attracted to him sexually--maybe i am, i just don't know how what i'm doing yet. i hope i didn't completely weird him out, if he noticed what i was doing.
i think what made me feel guilty was hearing the phrase "dry-hump" on television. that was awful. what is it with words? why would that make me feel awful? sex is beautiful, but we put so many disgusting names on it. it's the same with love.
"Look what a mess we've made of love." - Switchfoot
-----------
posted this on my public blog, too:
this is why i love music, i believe. everything falls away. the complications of everyday life disappear and the simplicity of the notes take precedence. all that matters is the heart. real music is not technicality, it's feeling. this song makes me vulnerable, that one empowered. why? nevermind why. i couldn't care less why. music just is, and that is all i want to know. i love its mystery and honesty. there's really nothing like it...can i hug it? something? anything? thank God for it!
so frivolous, but vital. such a release. music...
maybe it's 5 am, but i believe this even in the non-witching hours, i promise.
"Without music life would be a mistake." - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
-------------
more quotes, etc.:
"The city is built
To music, therefore never built at all,
And therefore built forever."
- Alfred Lord Tennyson
"There is no truer truth obtainable
By man than comes of music."
- Robert Browning
"Its language is a language which the soul alone understands, but which the soul can never translate." -Arnold Bennett
"Music expresses feeling and thought, without language; it was below and before speech, and it is above and beyond all words." - Robert G. Ingersoll
"I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go." - Sarah McLachlan's "Do What You Have to Do" (that's what i'm listening to now...)
"If you wish to be a writer, write."
-Epictetus
"Cady, there are two kinds of evil people: people who do evil stuff and people who see evil stuff being done and don't try to stop it." - Mean Girls (I thought of investigative journalism when I heard that...wow...haha...)
5 am or so - wednesday, nov. 08, 2006
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|