backyard crowing



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used?

at the beginning of this day, i chose a picture of the white stripes as my desktop background.

the photograph showed jack white fake screaming at a nonplussed meg. i decided on this picture because it broke up the space--there were four spaces broken up in all. this evening, i chatted with my ex jeff and a guy who i thought would become my friend with benefits, marcus. he does not seem interested in fooling around anymore. he doesn't turn me on, but somehow i am still very sad. and i can't emote. i can't even change my status on facebook, for fear that jeff will see it and think that i'm regretting having left him. i'm not regretting that at all.

i need a weekend. i need recovery. i need not to need a man, nor his affections.

there are really no words to explain to my mother what has happened. i don't know how i would broach this subject, and i don't particularly think i should. but i need to talk about it with someone.

i'm wearing no underwear right now because of marcus. i shaved because i thought he might be touching me down there tonight. i was really, really, really looking forward to meeting him tonight. but now i'm sad not because we won't be near each other tonight. it's a sadness i cannot explain. i have known him for ages it feels like. i want to hug him or something, but now i know we can't be anything. i don't even know if we can be friends, and that makes me sad. i

think making out has ruined us. sex ruins everything. no, i ruin everything. i turned him down twice and then wanted him as a friend with benefits. i deserve to feel sad.

...but, he said he was only looking to have some fun that night. so was i. i can't tell anything anymore. i feel like comprehension of anything is beyond me. i feel i have no one to talk to about this. there's abby, but she's probably asleep, and i don't want to bother her anyway. she would probably think i deserved it too, though. sometimes i wonder if she sensed that i wanted to be more than friends with benefits with him.

i feel like he has left me hanging. only maybe i used him. i hope not. i'm going to call and apologize, right now.

i am SICK of aim and its heartaches.

i'm the kind of sad where you wish you could be alone to cry, but if you were alone, you might not cry to begin with. i called him and left him a message saying that i was sorry if i he had felt used. i was brief but genuine. he never responded when i instant messaged him asking, "Did you feel used? I am so sorry if you did." There was no response at all after that. So, looks like I can't contact him again tonight. I've logged off of aim.

it's the end of the night (or the beginning of the morning) and the day has had an awful start. i need sleep. i need reassurance. i need to not have men looking exasperated at women on my desktop background, because i feel i am playing that woman now.

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here's the first chat i had tonight. it's not very interesting, but significant because it's our second time to chat with each other, and one of our first steps toward being friends again.

jeff: Hey
me: hey
me: what's up?
jeff: I need to write a text-reaction for german, it's due to morrow
me: oh yuck
jeff: instead I'm watching TV and playing solitare
me: something due tommorow
me: that sounds more interesting
jeff: I'll have all morning since all my other classes are cancelled
me: cool
me: yeah i only have one class, and i don't think too many people will show up, but i should
me: (i missed a couple of days)
jeff: yeah? what class?
me: communication
me: it's relatively fun
jeff: at what time?
me: 2-3
jeff: it's possible that it might get cancelled
me: because it's after noon?
me: that would be sweet
jeff: yeah
jeff: when do you leave for the houston?
me: 4pm
me: on the bus, fun stuff
jeff: really?
me: THE houston. that's right.
me: yep
jeff: I'm taking the bus to the Dallas
me: h-town, land of my homies (not really, it's more the Wasteland than anything)
me: coolness
jeff: putting definite articles in front of words makes sentences more the fun
me: have you taken the express bus before?
jeff: yeah
me: yes it does
jeff: it's pretty sweet
me: haha
jeff: except that the dallas bus stops at mockingbird station in north dallas
me: i have taken it once
jeff: and i live south of dallas
me: meh
jeff: so my parents have to drive really far north and then back south to get me
me: boo
jeff: but its still cheaper and more convenient than greyhound
me: really? for houston the greyhound is cheaper, but not non-stop. it takes four hours or so to get home instead of three
me: i like riding the bus
me: it's not bad
jeff: yeah, I like it too
me: except in high school, the yellow dogs are not so fun
jeff: Tell me about it
me: in high school, the yellow dogs are not so fun
jeff: We didn't have enough busses at our school
jeff: so when I rode the bus, I had to get there early to get a seat
me: ugh
jeff: otherwise, I would have to stand up
me: that's annoying
jeff: and unsafe
me: and that's embarrassing in high school!
me: ha, safety vs. embarrassment
jeff: what isn't embarrassing in high school?
me: NOTHING
jeff: or unsafe?
me: ah, good point
me: high school is a dangerous place
me: but somehow some people manage to get it together. i never understood that
jeff: I don't know, none of it seems to matter anymore
jeff: I never see or talk to any of the people who didn't like me in high school
me: nope. and hooray for that
jeff: so it doesn't really matter what they think, does it?
me: no, not even now
me: woot.
jeff: =)
me: nothing says emo like emoticons!
jeff: all of that is over now
jeff: haha
me: phew
me: i'm so glad my 6pm discussion section that i usually have tommorow is cancelled
me: otherwise i wouldn't have a way home
jeff: no kidding
jeff: did you get a chance to listen to that Cannonball Adderley record?
me: yeah, i did. it was cool
me: good recommendation
jeff: yeah?
me: oh, and i realized that i didn't have that album that i suggested to you--my mom does
me: her copy is in houston
jeff: haha
me: once i bought an evanescence cd and she bought it a week later...
me: scary
jeff: haha
jeff: My parents have two copies of a lot of records that they bought independently before they met
jeff: like they have two copies of the white album, three if you count the CD copy
me: cool!
jeff: and two copies of the doors' self-titled album
jeff: and a few other things
me: sorry, just having a brief heart to heart with the roomie
jeff: thats cool
me: the white album, neat
jeff: yeah
me: i had a copy of it, but i can't find it now--my mom's friend's husband gave it to me one day
me: when he found out i was a beatles fan
me: this was in jr. high
jeff: yeah?
me: yeah
me: mom was trying to give it back to him
me: apparently no one in his house liked the beatles
jeff: really?
me: yeah, and now we can't find the crazy thing!
jeff: wanna know something about me that I consider somewhat embarrasing?
me: Yesh!
me: hm?
jeff: I own something like 250 CDs, maybe about 30 LPs and I have a considerable amount of MP3s on my computer
jeff: and I don't have any, not one single track, of the Beatles
me: that's not embarrassing...not so far...
me: whaaaaat?
jeff: I know
me: that's just wrong!
me: haha
jeff: I guess thats just how it happened
me: hey, it happens
jeff: it's not like I don't like the Beatles or anything, I like them I really do
me: some would think you have excellent taste based on that fact alone
jeff: true
me: unfortunately
jeff: what did you think of dennis' book?
me: i haven't looked at the words yet, just the pictures
me: some of them i know he has shown in class
jeff: he has a pre-departure checklist for travel photography
me: oh, i saw that
me: i need to read that before the cruise
jeff: I think it's funny that the first thing on it is "airline ticket"
me: haha!
me: excellent
me: that sounds like him
jeff: I know, right?
me: right!
me: did you submit an application for j325?
jeff: no
jeff: I don't think I'll take that
jeff: did you?
me: from the amount of hours per week spent in class, it sounds fairly intense
me: but fun
me: yep
me: i don't think i'll get in, though. i didn't write captions
me: i ran out of time
me: shame on me, but oh well
jeff: well, good luck anyway
me: thanks
jeff: don't mention it
me: UTLibraryChat just signed off
me: oh yeah it's tuesday
jeff: Wie bitte?
me: or wednesday, rather
me: UTLibraryChat is a librarian that can help you online
jeff: I see
me: like an information desk, but easier
jeff: and on the interweb
me: said the blind man, to his deaf and dumb daughter on the phone
jeff: haha
me: indeed.
me: my roommate's korean friend is sleeping over tonight
jeff: ?
me: she's thirty and speaks very broken english
jeff: I see
me: seriously--i can't understand even a word!
me: and she talks 100 miles a minute
me: i feel bad smiling and nodding
jeff: haha
jeff: well, hopefully you'll get used to it
jeff: and if not, hopefully she will be gone before long
me: yeah, she's just staying the night
me: she's cool
me: did you ever see lost in translation?
jeff: once, shortly after it came out
me: we have a lot of lost in translation moments
jeff: i don't remember it that well
me: ...every sentence or so.
jeff: haha
jeff: do you know about mutual intelligibility in linguistics?
me: no, what is it?
jeff: its when people who speak one language can understand another language without studying it
me: wow
jeff: because of the similatities between the languages
me: awesome!
jeff: like some of the scandinavian languages
jeff: and English and Scots
jeff: check it out
jeff: http://sco.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photographie
jeff: Wikipedia in Scots!
me: hahahaha!
me: Deegital photographie
me: sound it out now, Deeeeeeeegital
jeff: haha
me: that's really how they spell that?
jeff: yeah
me: cool
me: i like how "is called" becomes "is cried"
jeff: yeah
jeff: it's weird
me: it sounds more dramatic to cry something than to call it
jeff: I still think my favorite thing from the "Scots leid Wikipedia" is this sentance from the "spellin an grammar" page
jeff: "If aw ye dae is tak an English text an chynge the spellins an swap a puckle wirds it'll juist be Scotched English an no Scots."
me: haha! that's hilarious
me: i don't think i would be able to understand all that as well if i just heard it
jeff: "Scots isna juist English written wi orra wirds an spellins. It haes its ain grammar an aw."
jeff: I think there is some debate amoung linguists about weather scots is a language or a dialect of english
me: hm
jeff: generally, it isn't clear what makes something a language and what makes it a dialect
jeff: there are plenty of mutually intelligible languages, but there are dielects of some languages, such as Chinese, which are not mutually intelligible
me: i remember learning about that--the fact that in china they use subtitles for the people's different dialects
jeff: yeah, they can understand the writing but not the speech
me: are you learning about this stuff in geography?
jeff: Well
jeff: There was a segment on geolinguistics in my intro to human geography class last year, and there was a very brief segment of anthropological linguistics in the intro. to anthropology class I took at UTA
jeff: and then there is some reading I've done on my own
jeff: the short answer is yes
me: ha, okay
jeff: I now have over ten hours of They Might Be Giants on my computer
me: fun
me: dang!
jeff: and six different versions of "Particle Man"
me: have you listened to all of the songs at least once?
jeff: yeah
jeff: most of them quite a few times
me: i have 6.4 hours of hanson
jeff: is that the best you can do?
me: YES!
me: you win.
me: (and it's hanson, so i lose by default)
jeff: Part of my advantage stems from the fact that They Might Be Giants have been around for over twenty years
me: really?
jeff: yeah
me: i did not realize that
me: how old are they now?
jeff: fortysomething
me: waaaait--hanson started getting famous in 1997, when their first big album came out
me: so that's almost 10 years
me: hanson has just not put out enough stuff
me: (hanson doesn't put out)
jeff: haha
jeff: also, TMBG has a considerable amount of free stuff that they have put out over the years
jeff: but six hours of one band is nothing to sneez at
jeff: *sneeze
me: gesundheit
jeff: danke
jeff: allright, I swear I'm going to go write my text reaction once this playlist is done
me: okay
me: haha
me: i'm sorry, i'm multitasking
jeff: thatsokay
me: i need to go
jeff: okay
jeff: Gute Nacht
me: see you later, and happy thanksgiving
jeff: same to you

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Here is the second chat i had that night, itís far more important and features none other than MARCUS. Heh. You know somethingís up when a guy wishes to do laundry rather than make out with you.

me: hello
me: hi
marcus: Herro
me: if you're still interested in hanging out tonight, my roommate changed her mind and isn't leaving till tommorow. she also has her friend spending the night, something i didn't know until she showed up at our door
marcus: Well I've actually got to do some clothes washing and packing in preparation for leaving tomorrow
me: okay
me: me too actually
me: so, not tonight?
me: or not again?
me: it would be good to know which. i know you're at work, though
marcus: Ugh
marcus: What a day
me: yeah
marcus: I so tird
me: terd?
me: eww!
marcus: No tird
me: did you read what i wrote before?
marcus: Yesh
marcus: And I'm not sure
me: okay
me: we should probably talk about what our intentions were the other night, and what they are now
me: eh?
me: um
marcus: Well
me: well what?
me: are you asking me what my intentions are and were?
marcus: Honestly, I just wanted to have fun
me: or are you just welling away at the air?
marcus: Not to like make you feel used or anything
me: yeah, me too
me: no, and i didn't
me: i hope i didn't seem that way
marcus: Oh no, I just meant after the fact
me: wait, after what fact you felt how?
me: I'm confused. let's be really clear
marcus: I mean I don't want you to feel used by me saying that
me: no, i don't
me: i just wanted to have fun, too
marcus: Well then
marcus: I guess that's it
me: i guess so
me: so does this mean you would like to again, or not so much?
marcus: I really don't know
me: okay then
me: i should go
me: goodnight
marcus: Okie doke
marcus: Nighty night

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A few minutes later I panicked and wrote this to him, but he never replied:

me: Did you feel used?
me: I am so sorry if you did.

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"We are our most honest and innate when we are angry. We say all of the things that we mean because our anger dissolves our internal filters."

I read this on a blog. I would hate to think it's true, but she may know what she's talking about.

- wednesday, nov. 22, 2006
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