backyard crowing


I Wouldn't Wish Childhood On Anyone

upon some reflection, i have come to the conclusion that I don't wish childhood on anyone. When you're a child, you're told that you can do ANYTHING, and yet you're forbidden to do EVERYTHING. and yet we all must suffer through childhood. what would we be, perhaps, without it? compassionless? yet some children grow up with everything...but no, even that's not true. no child gets EVERYTHING they want, because no child is trusted to do anything they want.

and just like adults, children want to do everything. who can blame them? it's life! it's new! it's there!

we all want to be taken seriously, no matter how old we are. patronization is such an awful offense...being doubted is a serious blow to the self-esteem. as adults, i believe we must try to recapture that feeling of powerlessness, so that we might better understand our younger counterparts. i don't mean to sound cliche, but they are our future, and we must do right by them.


last night i dreamed about a boy named cord, who i had not seen in ages. only he wasn't cord, he was my cousin, but with cord's face.

we cuddled, and i felt much comfort out of that, but the wonderful part of the cuddling was that we did not want anything more out of it. i did not feel any pressure from him, and he was perfectly content to just cuddle...infact, there was another person there, a girl friend of mine, but i can't remember now who. so the three of us cuddled and talked about how great it was to...just cuddle, without any pretense. we were innocent.

i haven't seen cord in ages (two summers ago or so randomly at christy's house, because he is a friend of christy's brother), but i happened to think of him last night. i wonder why. perhaps i was thinking about loves that could have been? eh? likely. i ruined it with cord because i was far too shy. all throughout high school i never dated anyone. i never went to a dance with anyone.

i had occasions where i would be alone with a boy, and it was planned (the band trip shopping and swimming with cord!) but no 'official' dates.

i'm glad to see i'm dreaming and thinking about someone other than marcus at this point, even though cord is unnattainble. (he's not even on facebook...but his brother is.) it has been 5 or 6 weeks since i confessed my feelings to marcus, and i haven't communicated with him since. i get a huge pat on the back!

and i hope that i will be able to cuddle like i did in my dream soon...maybe even with a guy...

for now, i'll just be content to imagine it.

truth is, i don't need a boyfriend at this juncture.

mom always gets mad at me when i have a boyfriend, anyway. if any part of my life deteriorates in any way, it's automatically HIS fault, whoever the he of the day is.

and don't get me wrong, i've had very few 'hes of the day.'

5:39 am - Sunday, Jul. 22, 2007


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