backyard crowing


so matt's still in the running! fancy that :)

hi, diary.

well, much has happened guy-wise since i last talked to you.

and dad is getting a new used car for me! hurrah!

he says, "so that's three cars many years?"

but it's not my fault. he drownded the first one, and something was wrong with the windows of the second one, leading to a rain in and MOLD. anyway, they were both used, and i feel no guilt...there's no reason to.

so, the guys?

well keith and glen obviously didn't work out, and i still have to break up with them both. now here comes matt, oddly enough.

"i'm mad at matt," abbie said in an IM convo...i told her of the ways he could have communicated with me and didn't, and she assumed he wasn't into me--because of the "he's just not that into you" book. i thought she was doing the whole "bff tough love" thing and telling me straight...but i think this time she's off, because apparently when cj and nat asked him whether or not he and i might "go anywhere," he didn't say much, but just grinned a lot and blushed...and then said yes. meTHINKS this is a good sign...but only time will tell, and i don't want to get my hopes up.

abbie is deeply in like with a dude named charlie who lives three hours away! so i'm encouraging her with that. maybe she just wants the attention turned on her again, and that's why she decided to be "mad at matt?" hm. she talked almost non-stop for honest to God about five HOURS about her internet boy this weekend. so far, charles has my nod, but then neither of us has met him.

oh yeah...and i had a convo with him through the dating site with abbie by my side. she asked him all sorts of questions that she didn't dare ask him under HER screenname. not sure if this dishonesty is a good idea, but we'll see...we girls obsess over men to the Nth degree. it scares me sometimes when i look at abbie and how transformed she is now that there's a guy in her life. she can't sleep. she's depressed. she's excited and nervous and buying all kinds of gunk to put on her face.

isn't our culture strange?

i'm also learning that i can be more mean and not have people "hang up" on me. abbie was challenging charlie like whoa through IMing from my screenname...and yet he didn't vanish. that's great--i need to remember that people aren't as unreasonable/unchallengeable/daunting as i think they are. i can kick people's asses and still be friends with them afterward. those are the best sorts of friendships, anyway. accountability is key, i don't care what abbie says.

i'm also learning that i am a bit too trusting. abbie trusts almost no one, and i am overly trusting. i need to build up a healthy sense of skepticism.

i also need to go to therapy today at 10 a.m. for the first time since my parents' divorce and buckle down and care about j-school.

i want drunken matt cuddling again. i don't know how i'm going to handle eating with the posse today when i had zero sleep last night. *choke choke*

i gotta get my priorities straightened out. how else am i going to survive this insane semester? i don't want to burn out or fade away. i need to pull myself out by the fucking bootstraps, and fast. it's only february.

listening to: "Piece of Me," Britney Spears

this song is surprisingly kickass.


i am so dizzy with love for matt. i know it's not really love--not yet--but i still like using such strong words.

someday, perhaps. but for now i'm just drinking pink champagne. the brand is andre. the night we cuddled i was drinking the same stuff. hopefully all big words, like love, won't depend on the presence of alcohol in my blood?

i'm becoming attached.

tonight we had dinner, the four of us, and i sat next to him. it was surprisingly not-nervewracking. i mean, i still think i embarrassed myself by laughing too much, but i had a fun time, and i think everyone else did, too. i have a feeling i could get used to meeting them like this. i'm looking forward to wednesday's meal. who'd have thought i'd be so hyped to eat cafeteria food?

the group talked about hanging out again this weekend, and about how the weekend we cuddled was fun...and how the wine sampling rocked. the cuddling wasn't mentioned, but i chimed in and agreed it had been a fun time. they reminisced, saying we had sung, and i forgot that little tidbit.

unfortunately there are probably other parts of that night that i've forgotten.

i remember him saying something like, "too risky" the morning after, but he wouldn't explain what he meant, because it had been under his breath and he thought i wouldn't hear. he must have tried to make a move, but then decided it was too risky...

i also remember him saying "say something only jane would say," and my ramble about naming characters. the goal of this was so that he would know he was awake and not asleep, dreaming about me. i told him the thought of his dreaming about me was flattering, and his reply was, "'re in my bed." and indeed i was!

gah! i'm swooning for sure. i can't wait to be around him more, especially when i'm tipsy. but then i need to make sure that i hit on him not only in an altered state, so he knows i mean business, both with and without the bottle.

aie. he's adorable, more adorable than i remember him.

12:53 am - monday, Feb. 25, 2008


lovesounds - futuresex


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