backyard crowing


hard to get

this whole matt situation is just making me feel like crap. i want to run into him and just spill. he'll think i'm a feelings-y girly girl, but you know what? i'm female. DWI. Deal with it. he's going to have hundreds more conversations about feelings whether he wants to or not in his life. this will just be one more.

or, i could go with abbie's plan, which is genius and i don't know if i'll be able to pull it off. the setup:

i'll be invited to hang out with the gang on the weekend, and at 1 or 2, abbie will call me and tell me to come down, because we're going to a party. she might even be "at the party," where there's like "tons of hot guys," and i just "HAVE to be there." she's a smart one, that abbie. and i'm not to touch him on this mission. this is a playing-hard-to-get tactic. if he really wants me, he'll come get me...which begs the question: why am i bothering with tactics?

after saturday night, she said, "do you think he'll call you?" and i said, "huh? oh no, i don't think so." it never occurred to me that i might want him to call me. i mean, i certainly didn't expect it, but she did.

i'm still happy i left him in the dust, just sleeping like a baby in his bed. nat and ceej on one side of the room, he alone on the other. it's mean, but it makes me feel so powerful.

today is my roommate's 22nd b-day, which is AWESOME because our floor is covered with balloons! i totally love it, i hope she keeps it like this for as long as she wants. the bright colors are so welcome, particularly after a bad yesterday and a depressing night.

i keep telling myself, "hey, a dude asked you out yesterday. it can't have been that bad!" and it wasn't...oh, but it was. that stupid english prof brought me down, but not for long! i guess the thrill of having a guy chase after you wears off after awhile.

i feel that abbie's dependence has rubbed off on me, and i HATE it. i love her, i just have trouble swallowing her problem with codependency, because i'm the opposite of it. she worries me with her dependence...and she depends on me, and she talks to me ALL THE TIME, and i love her to death, but sometimes i wonder if our relationship isn't a bit tilted in her favor conversationally. i guess in every relationship SOMEONE has to have the upper hand. it might as well be her, she's amazing, intelligent, witty, the whole nine yards...i love her, she's the best friend i've ever had, besides my parents.

i watched "requiem for a dream" last night, and it's the best anti-drug movie i've ever seen. so powerful, so visual, so disgusting...aie. the film belongs in the realistic horror genre, if there is such a thing. one of those true stories, y'know?

only i don't know if it's a true story; it could be, though.


i did this computation in my head.

there are four things matt and i can be:

acquaintances: we've already breached acquaintanceship--we've dry humped, so that hump's been hopped

friends: this would be difficult

fwb: this would be potentially more difficult, especially considering ceej and nat would be forever looking over their shoulders at our "misdeeds," and i'd be wondering if i was in the wrong, and i'd feel bad for not sticking to my no-FWB pact

relationship: this could be completely impossible as it requires his go-ahead
so essentially we have:

acquaintances - impossible

friends: difficult

fwb: potentially VERY difficult

relationship: impossible to tell


I think Sara and Nat are my Marissas. See, Marissa gave bad advice to Abbie and told her to pursue Charles, and Sara and Nat are giving me bad advice and telling me to pursue Matt. Sara would love to say she matched us up, and well, so would Nat. So they both have a stock in a potential relationship between Matt and I. In addition, Sara hit on her current fiance first--she made many of the moves, 'cause he was a shy guy. I need to stick with the chick Bible, aka "He's Just Not That Into You." It rules supreme pretty much always. Or so I once thought, until I wound up in this crappy situation.

- tuesday, Apr. 22, 2008


lovesounds - futuresex


about me