backyard crowing



I'm really cracking now. What the hell happened to me? Why did I pick this major, this school? Sometimes I even wonder wy I picked this set of friends.

I wish I cared more. I want so much to get away from here. Lady S gets me through the day, so I guess it's never too bad. I prayed that Leslee and Kat will get a good grade in the class. I did that, at least. I'm exhausted. I don't want to live anymore, especially not today. Maybe I do need a mental institution. I want so much to be someone else. I'm terrible at everything I try, it seems. And then when I don't try, I'm terrible, too. I don't see the point in making an effort anymore. I make myself sick.

I wish someone would reach out to me. But then, I feel I've screwed myself over at every obstacle.

I'm hiding out right now. It's nice to know I probably won't run into anyone important who hates me, at least. All I have to do is sit in that stupid classroom for 2 more hours, take the final, and then that's it. No more Leslee shaking and tapping her foot angrily, no more sweet Kat who's polite but secretly hates my guts. They all do, now. Their parents and best friends, too.

Guess I'll go eat worms?

More like cyanide.

I failed them.

Ha! And my mentor thinks she's crazy. Ooh, your boyfriend broke up with you. That's CRAZY!

I should make an appointment with Tara. I should do a lot of things.

But who gives a shit?

I know right well I'll get a care package or something from my mother today...and then I'll feel worse.

I wish some doctor would just tell me I have depression, so I could figure out if I want it or not. Most depressed people want to stay that way, I've read. I don't know what to make of all this. I'm frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. When did I stop caring about other people?

I deserve everything I'm getting in retaliation, I didn't do my work. I just don't know why I didn't do my work. Am I too tired? Sick of this major? Lazy? Too easily entertained by distractions? Underconfident, as I know my mom would try to claim?

I hate my parents, I have to get away from them. I've always had to, this whole college debt thing was probably just a ploy for them to keep me around, and caged. I'm never going to make sure they don't end up in a nursing home and live with them. I don't have that dependent Abbie gene.

Here I am, in this random auditorium, at the bottom of a flight of stairs again. At rock bottom? tile bottom, that last resort for the rich, lazy, comfortable...

Where did I go? How do I get back there? Do I even want to?

I need to swim or something. I have to deal with this. But it's so hard. How do people live? Seriously, how do they do it?


Ross, what did you do when you had depression? How did you deal with it?

The worst is when they whisper.

I don't think I'm okay to date right now, I need all the time I can get for either my studies or my sanity.

I'm taking care of sanity right now, I rented a movie that makes fun of suicide--Better Off Dead. I'm hoping this will make me understand how silly I am to consider such a thing. And on top of that, young John Cusack's pretty boss. :)

- monday, Apr. 28, 2008


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