backyard crowing


i'm being sabotaged

i don't give a flying fuck anymore.

leslee just called me to ask for a copy of the paper i wrote via e-mail.

i'll start from the beginning.

my group had a paper due, and since i didn't help out much on the presentation (i stood them up during the most intense parts of the preparation of the thing), i offered to write the entire 8-page paper. okay. so when i set out to write it, i kept getting distracted and by the time it was due, i only had 4 pages. i know, i know. shame on me.

so 2 days later, leslee the group member wants a digital copy rather than just a hard copy of the paper. she doesn't say why, so i know she's about to sabotage me. i don't ask why, because i'm fucking TIRED and scared and how do you ask things of people who you've let down so grandly? i don't know, i never have.

so basically, tommorow will be another day i want to kill myself. i hate knowing that, because i'm sick to death of thinking about my own demise. it's only tuesday, and i've already cried several times this week.

i know the professor will talk to me. i know my group members will talk to me. i know i'll fail this class. i just wish it was all over.

i just wish it was all over, and the only time i'd see them would be in the hallways or the drugstore or the library, glaring at me and whispering, "that's the girl i told you about." i'd like to be that girl, so i could ignore them or smile at them. ignoring them would get the point across, but then, they might try that on me. smile broadly, and they'd roll their eyes inside and say weak, unaffected "Hi"s and immediately go on with their business. or they'd stop and shoot the moon chat for awhile, dropping passive agressive attacks here and there and wherever the fuck they can to get their jollies.

i'd just assume they take pictures of me in idiot, drunken positions and slap them all over the walls of the com building. no one can take me seriously anymore, not even me.


in the past 12 entries, only 3 DIDN'T mention depression, suicide, or a suicidal tendency.

that means 3/4 of the time, i'm thinking about Lady S.

suicide article

- tuesday, Apr. 29, 2008


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